tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77787946320755652392024-03-14T07:36:28.922+00:00Reasons to be CheerfulParenthood, poetry and fights with technology and fashiontonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.comBlogger216125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-2676121037314372262019-04-29T09:56:00.000+01:002019-04-29T09:56:04.848+01:00BeforeBefore testosterone takes hold<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GJkKz2W-ZlQ/XMa7gUxMKEI/AAAAAAAADS0/vywzN721mXoMemtNGl5voy7plg3FfCkKgCLcBGAs/s1600/William%2Bblack%2B%2526%2Bwhite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1054" data-original-width="1600" height="210" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GJkKz2W-ZlQ/XMa7gUxMKEI/AAAAAAAADS0/vywzN721mXoMemtNGl5voy7plg3FfCkKgCLcBGAs/s320/William%2Bblack%2B%2526%2Bwhite.jpg" width="320" /></a>And stubble grows upon your cheek<br />
Before your voice descends an octave<br />
Could I forever hold this week<br />
<br />
Before the scent of little boy<br />
Slips away like grains of sand<br />
Before your chest and shoulders broaden<br />
Could I forever hold your hand<br />
<br />
Before your sleepy tousled hair<br />
Is tamed into a grown-up style<br />
Before your giggle turns to rumble<br />
Could I read to you for awhile<br />
<br />
Before your little body's shadow<br />
Lengthens to a full grown man<br />
Before you're big enough to hold me<br />
I will hold you, if I can<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-62707985337614646142019-03-07T18:58:00.002+00:002019-03-07T19:03:26.123+00:00The Ballad of IKEA<div data-block="true" data-editor="bjj0" data-offset-key="cv4mc-0-0" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: pre-wrap; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="cv4mc-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<span data-offset-key="cv4mc-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Ikea
</span></span><span data-offset-key="a6pk4-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I fear
</span></span><span data-offset-key="9dgnd-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">You're going to make me lose my mind
</span></span><span data-offset-key="2d5a8-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I finally find
</span></span><span data-offset-key="evm99-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">What I'm looking for
</span></span><span data-offset-key="f2uqq-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">And without the horror of going to your store
</span></span><span data-offset-key="7lj7s-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">But your website
</span></span><span data-offset-key="5ek1m-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">It's not right
</span></span><span data-offset-key="9g0uv-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I put stuff in the basket
</span></span><span data-offset-key="880g7-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">And ask it
</span></span><span data-offset-key="dr6vf-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">To let me pay
</span></span><span data-offset-key="6tt0s-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">But no way
</span></span><span data-offset-key="dkkuf-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">You tell me
</span></span><span data-offset-key="cpjta-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">"This rug is not available online"
</span></span><span data-offset-key="qigv-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">That's fine
</span></span><span data-offset-key="e6k9e-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">It was an impulse buy
</span></span><span data-offset-key="ci8er-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">But why
</span></span><span data-offset-key="6cq8o-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Do you then say
</span></span><span data-offset-key="9bld2-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">"You can't order the wardrobe by the way"
</span></span><span data-offset-key="ckok4-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">For SLÄKT's sake!
</span></span><span data-offset-key="3416q-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Could you make
</span></span><span data-offset-key="c8j7l-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">This any worse?
</span></span><span data-offset-key="1btto-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">You can, of course
</span></span><span data-offset-key="7l2ih-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">The drawers I need
</span></span><span data-offset-key="3rku-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">You can despatch at speed
</span></span><span data-offset-key="7uakq-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">The price makes me shiver
</span></span><span data-offset-key="e7lgj-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">£39 to deliver?!
</span></span><span data-offset-key="d7j3s-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Convenience costs, I guess
</span></span><span data-offset-key="d2thv-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I get out my Visa and click 'yes'
</span></span><span data-offset-key="4vg0s-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">But then.....oh the terror
</span></span><span data-offset-key="7i364-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">There's an "Asynchronous Processing Error..
</span></span><span data-offset-key="a106-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">….please contact your bank"
</span></span><span data-offset-key="741te-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Well thank
</span></span><span data-offset-key="2p8h0-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">YOU!
</span></span><span data-offset-key="a3o18-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Could you screw
</span></span><span data-offset-key="a5t2i-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">This up any more?
</span></span><span data-offset-key="7l6be-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I want to roar
</span></span><span data-offset-key="cshmk-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Instead I try again
</span></span><span data-offset-key="eedmj-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">And then
</span></span><span data-offset-key="e2d5q-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">The entire purchase gets blocked
</span></span><span data-offset-key="bc9q4-0-0" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">"Mrs Kent, your account is locked"
</span></span></div>
</div>
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-68129764583184606612018-12-15T14:43:00.001+00:002018-12-21T16:48:01.508+00:00What to expect once your dog's been neuteredThere comes a point in most pet-owners lives when the topic of neutering comes up. If you have a dog, this comes the moment you first set foot out the door on your new puppy's first walk. Passers by will coo at your pup before launching into the following standard questions:<br />
<br />
* What breed is it?<br />
* Is it a boy or a girl?<br />
* How old is it?<br />
* When are you going to have it neutered?<br />
<br />
This exchange made me query the assertion that "Having a dog is like having a baby" because whilst, yes, the first three questions are often trotted out when you're out with your baby, that final one is <i>definitely not</i> something you should ask a new parent.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, we took the decision to have our Vizsla, boy, 18 month old dog 'done' on account of the fact that we didn't plan to breed from him and certainly didn't want the singularly terrifying spectacle of our dog getting stuck inside a lady dog. Especially as we never go on a walk with a bucket of cold water which is what I seem to remember you have to use to separate animals that are locked together.<br />
<br />
So we booked the boy in and after a few hours at the vets he was ready to be collected and brought home. We were told that in no uncertain terms was he allowed to get at his stitches and to keep him as quiet as possible which is a big ask of a dog that likes to run several miles a day. Now, the question that most people ask after a dog is castrated is "Has it calmed him down?" but before we even get to that, you ought to know what can happen immediately after the operation:<br />
<h3>
<br />Your dog will make it his life's work to get at his 'wound'</h3>
<div>
Never mind trying to lick non-existent balls, what he wants to do is get that dressing off because it is sticky and probably a bit itchy. A Buster Collar or 'Cone of Shame' will work in some instances but you may also find that it makes your dog stand stock still in the middle of the living room panting and whining for hours. Which will make you feel bad and so you will buy an inflatable collar instead.</div>
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The only issue with the inflatable collar is that if your dog, like my dog, has a long neck, then he's going to bend it gracefully and give himself a good licking. You will wake up one morning to find that the dressing has disappeared and quite possibly been eaten. You will think he may also have eaten his stitches and made the wound worse which will cause you to photograph your dog's genitals on your phone to send to the vets (and thank your lucky stars that you don't sync your photos to the cloud). The vet's response will be "You need to come in for another dressing." </div>
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<div>
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mzzBmPSbKSQ/XBUSEmC-fOI/AAAAAAAADOA/NJ50kAA7AoEge8_NqB8tbqQMm9Yv5mymwCLcBGAs/s1600/Vinnie%2Bbabygro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mzzBmPSbKSQ/XBUSEmC-fOI/AAAAAAAADOA/NJ50kAA7AoEge8_NqB8tbqQMm9Yv5mymwCLcBGAs/s320/Vinnie%2Bbabygro.jpg" width="240" /></a>Whilst explaining your situation to the vets they may say to you "Hey, why don't you try a dog babygro? They're only £30.00". You will think that this is a small price to pay for getting a night's sleep but when you put it on your dog you may find that the shape of your dog means that whilst the fit is perfect across the chest and makes your dog look like he should be on Muscle Beach, the back will be baggy, leaving his nether regions exposed to fresh air. And his tongue. The way around this issue is to bunch the back up into a kind of 'top knot' which you will then secure with a hairband thus making the fit at chest and hips very nice indeed.</div>
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As nice as it looks, your dog may decided that he does not want to wear an inflatable collar and a babygro and will rub himself vigorously along the outside of your house so that he puts holes in every item of protective clothing that you have shoehorned him into. That said there is something satisfying about another species discovering the complexity and discomfort of clothing with poppers.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ThgB0u2H3ek/XBUSEemdJTI/AAAAAAAADN8/JPFKUQO5dHIFuq-Oa9vSvtewTOB0QdahACLcBGAs/s1600/Vinnie%2Bbabygro%2Bcollar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1402" data-original-width="1600" height="280" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ThgB0u2H3ek/XBUSEemdJTI/AAAAAAAADN8/JPFKUQO5dHIFuq-Oa9vSvtewTOB0QdahACLcBGAs/s320/Vinnie%2Bbabygro%2Bcollar.jpg" width="320" /></a>What happens next is that you will discover there is a reason people say that dogs are intelligent because do you know what your dog can do? Not only can he extend his graceful neck, he can also figure out how to hitch his hind leg into the babygro which will stretch it enough that he can get right in there and make another dressing disappear.</div>
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Eventually, after several more dressings your dog will finally, <i>finally, </i>be allowed to resume his normal activities. And then this will happen:<br />
<h3>
<br />Your dog will injure himself</h3>
Because your dog has been on restricted walks for around two weeks he is going to go absolutely batshit the minute you decide that he's ok to go on an off-lead walk. This will involve him catching a dew claw which will bleed quite a lot. But this is not as bad as you initially anticipated and it will fall off, healing up rather nicely on its own meaning that you can resume your walks and runs because frankly you could do with the exercise too given that you've tripled your calories in the run up to Christmas. But it turns out that you've been a little too confident because:<br />
<h3>
<br />Your dog will injure himself. Again </h3>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ8Cu_NSHh4/XBUR97EB-cI/AAAAAAAADN4/oMEPiHdxLk8g_6zHxtjI5NWd33PMkmlYwCLcBGAs/s1600/Vinnie%2Bsleeping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ8Cu_NSHh4/XBUR97EB-cI/AAAAAAAADN4/oMEPiHdxLk8g_6zHxtjI5NWd33PMkmlYwCLcBGAs/s320/Vinnie%2Bsleeping.jpg" width="320" /></a>This your dog will save for a peaceful Sunday morning when you have enjoyed reading the papers. And when it costs more than you even want to think about to visit the vets. He will come in all happy and waggy from a lovely long walk in the countryside and as he makes his way across the kitchen floor you'll think "Oh, the dog's paw is bleeding." After letting the dog settle because it might be a little cut in his pad, he'll trot up to you and leave some puddles of blood on the floor which he will then proceed to lick up (at least he tried to be tidy about it). Closer inspection will reveal that it's a rather large cut indeed. That will need general anaesthetic and stitches. And no walks for 10 days. And a dressing that he will want to bite off. In fact <i>will</i> bite off.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-njYSsyZvKwY/XBUUSoQrVcI/AAAAAAAADOg/EH_FWmWtYRgfZ76V6bSPAfSDIqmmUuWXwCLcBGAs/s1600/Vinnie%2Bno%2Bchew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-njYSsyZvKwY/XBUUSoQrVcI/AAAAAAAADOg/EH_FWmWtYRgfZ76V6bSPAfSDIqmmUuWXwCLcBGAs/s320/Vinnie%2Bno%2Bchew.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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This removal of the dressing will necessitate a quick fix involving a sanitary towel, some vet bandages and a rubber glove before another visit to the vets for a proper dressing. And a new buster collar which miraculously he will tolerate this time. You will think this is amazing because it means that you can leave the house without fear of him taking off his dressing and re-opening the wound.</div>
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So you will go ahead with a lovely lunch you have planned with your husband where you will want to drum your feet on the floor because the food is so delicious and you'll have grown up conversation and some decent wine. And you'll get home all happy and giggly to discover that because of the magical buster collar the dog couldn't see where his water bowl was and instead of putting his face into it to have a nice drink he'll have put his bloody foot in it. Which means you have to go back to the vets for the second dressing in the space of a day. And sleep with your dog overnight because you're petrified that he'll figure out how to get around the buster collar which means that he will lie on your chest and place his cone head directly on yours creating an extremely uncomfortable, sweaty sleeping arrangement.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7ohabRBNaQ4/XBUSE87bjGI/AAAAAAAADOE/oQRblSCAQek-3gkjIYU8OALD60r5qP-2ACLcBGAs/s1600/Vinnie%2Bcone%2Bhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7ohabRBNaQ4/XBUSE87bjGI/AAAAAAAADOE/oQRblSCAQek-3gkjIYU8OALD60r5qP-2ACLcBGAs/s320/Vinnie%2Bcone%2Bhead.jpg" width="240" /></a>I don't know what happens next except that we are booked in again on Monday for another review. We'll see if he can keep his dressing on / clean / dry until then. So, to return to the initial question of "Does castration calm your dog down?", I'll have to come back to you on the answer.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-74272256540872289212018-10-21T16:51:00.000+01:002018-10-21T17:47:30.115+01:00Owning up to my mistakes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A conversation with my sister turned to talk of being afraid; she had an upcoming university visit and was worrying about the journey there: what if she missed her bus, got the wrong train, couldn't find the right room, or missed the start of the tour? What if her childcare arrangements fell through and she couldn't go at all?</div>
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I'm 18 years older than my sister so, by her estimation, I'm a lot more 'together' than she is. More confident. Less likely to make a mistake. And right now, I guess that's true. I don't fear the fickle nature of public transport or panic about new experiences but I do remember how it feels to be in your early twenties when your skin is altogether a lot thinner and the world feels much bigger. I thought, therefore, the best thing I could do was share with her some of the mistakes I made when I was about her age. At the time, they were embarrassing, stressful and a little bit upsetting. In hindsight, I found them pretty funny and I thought you might do too. So here goes:</div>
<h3 style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); counter-reset: list-1 0 list-2 0 list-3 0 list-4 0 list-5 0 list-6 0 list-7 0 list-8 0 list-9 0; cursor: text; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 20px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 28px; margin: 24px 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
The Cup of Tea Incident</h3>
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I am 20 years old and I have never made a cup of tea. And now I'm being asked to make one for the visiting Regional Sales Director who is Very Important. I am a coffee drinker and coffee is easy: a teaspoon of granules, some hot water and a bit of milk. Oh yes, and a couple of teaspoons of sugar (this is back when <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 19.4px; margin: 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">everybody </em>had sugar). Tea is an entirely different proposition. Tea for the Regional Sales Director who is Very Important is terrifying.</div>
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I know how it starts: bag in cup then pour your boiling water in and leave it for a bit, <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia, "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 19.4px; margin: 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">but for how long?</em> The Regional Sales Director says he'd like it "Builders". What does that even mean? How do builders like their tea? With cement in?</div>
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I stand and stare at the kettle before asking the office manager for help who (and I will be forever grateful to him for this - cheers Spencer) doesn't rip into me but instead calmly talks me through the process. Before going off to tell the whole of the front office and then standing in the doorway to watch me make my presentation.</div>
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Tea made, I proudly walk from the kitchenette into the back office (which is attached to a warehouse and has no natural daylight and yet is where the management team choose to sit), and as I cross the carpeted floor.... I fail to hold the cups level and spill tea all the way from the door right to the regional sales director's feet. Like Hansel & Gretel and their breadcrumbs, a trail of tea leads me past the laughing office manager and back to the kitchenette where I begin the process again. At least I know how to make it this time.</div>
<h3 style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); counter-reset: list-1 0 list-2 0 list-3 0 list-4 0 list-5 0 list-6 0 list-7 0 list-8 0 list-9 0; cursor: text; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 20px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 28px; margin: 24px 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<span style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The Cup of Coffee Incident </span></h3>
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I am 23 years old and going to visit a customer. I have driven there in a company car - a real life company car! I have a very nice leatherette Filofax of which I am inordinately proud, I like to think its says I'm "serious". </div>
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The meeting with the customer is in his office and he has something much nicer than my Filofax - a <i>real leather,</i> padded 'conference ring binder' with many pen holders, zipped compartments and slots for business cards. If there were a game of Top Trumps based on stationery accessories, he would definitely win. It lies open on his desk, ready for him to make notes based on all the very interesting things that I will have to say about structured cabling (hahaha!). </div>
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Before I can wow him with my knowledge of CAT5 however, he asks me if I would like a drink. I am tempted to request builders tea to see if his secretary knows how to make it but instead stick with what I know - coffee, white with two sugars.</div>
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The coffee arrives. It gets placed on the desk and as I reach across to take the handle I knock it everywhere. I watch as a tide of hot brown liquid rapidly makes its way across his desk towards the waiting leather ring binder. Mortified? You bet. Thankfully his reactions are lightening fast and his precious executive accoutrement is saved. However, the coffee does meet with a yellow legal pad which begins the process of mopping up before we can even grab a paper towel.</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gzH9eAbihoU/W8yfIcsAfvI/AAAAAAAADME/Po4_nTUd7gohoeFh4Tot6fxCVPub85_UgCEwYBhgL/s1600/coffee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gzH9eAbihoU/W8yfIcsAfvI/AAAAAAAADME/Po4_nTUd7gohoeFh4Tot6fxCVPub85_UgCEwYBhgL/s320/coffee.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Would you like that in the mug, or all over your desk?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Much as my manager before, the customer did not make fun of me right away, instead he offered tissues and said "It doesn't matter". When I returned to my office, I had to relive the whole damn thing again as my sales manager wanted to know how the visit had gone. My penance was to make him a cup of coffee every day for the next week.</div>
<h3 style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border: 0px none rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); counter-reset: list-1 0 list-2 0 list-3 0 list-4 0 list-5 0 list-6 0 list-7 0 list-8 0 list-9 0; cursor: text; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 20px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 28px; margin: 24px 0px; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
The Passport Incident</h3>
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We'll rewind a little bit here - this occurs not long after the 'Cup of Tea' incident. I'm 21 years old and it is 4am on a very cold December morning. There is snow on the ground and more on its way but, for now, I'm feeling warm as I am in a minibus with my colleagues from the freight forwarding company I work for. We're all off on a jolly to Calais to buy continental lager from a hypermarket and maybe some French cheeses - the excitement! </div>
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Despite the early hour we're in good spirits and there is plenty of banter to be had. Talk of the night before and what the rest of the day might bring when someone pipes up "Alright then, who's forgotten their passport?".</div>
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Passport? What do you mean I need my passport? Somewhere in my mixed up mind I seemed to think that I didn't need mine....because we are part of the EU. Ah. It is fair to say that my comment of "I have!" quietened even the birds as they began their dawn chorus. My fellow minibus occupants looked at me as if I'd told them that....well, that I thought I didn't need my passport.</div>
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Taking the collective decision that they can't take me all the way to Dover because that would give me a stupidly long journey home, and they can't take me home because they'll miss the ferry, they drop me off in a village. I don't think it was too far from our starting point but it's 5am and there isn't any passing traffic so I'm going to have to walk. Which is what I do until I come across a knight in shining armour - or rather the knight in a battery powered vehicle that is the milkman. He very kindly drops me at the train station and when I finally get back to the house in Reading where I am lodging, I am in tears; a mixture of embarrassment, exhaustion and freezing cold. Fortunately my landlady is also a friend - she holds fire on laughing at me until she's made me a much needed cup of tea. </div>
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The next day I discover that my colleagues' minibus broke down on the way home and they were stuck in it for seven hours. They may have had their passports but they didn't have any heating......</div>
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Sharing these memories with my sister made her feel a bit less worried and gave us both a good laugh - the conversation was far more useful than me offering her advice. It also served as a reminder that at a time when social media leans towards the celebratory, sometimes it can do us good to own up to our mistakes.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-20294357902559089732018-08-27T11:55:00.000+01:002018-08-27T11:55:08.043+01:00How to be a writer when you've got a dog. And the kids are on holidays.<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); font-family: Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 20px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 32px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 32px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
It is a pleasure and a quirk of fate that I find myself being paid to write about all manner of topics - or that I find myself being paid to write about anything at all. Last week I was writing about data culture and tomorrow I'm going to be all about food tech. I couldn't have predicted it was ever supposed to be thus....I went freelance seven years ago as an Alliance Manager and at the same time started this blog which revealed me to be not an Alliance Manager but in fact a natural born writer. So here I am.</div>
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Anyway, this isn't about how I became a writer, it's about how to be a writer when you have a dog and the kids are on holiday. Are you ready? Here we go!</div>
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<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step One: Make sure the dog has been walked early doors.</h2>
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It's 6:30am and your husband has already left for his 'proper job' that requires driving 200 miles for a 9am meeting. Allow yourself a small moment of martyrdom as you realise that you will have to walk the dog <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia,Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 19.4px; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">and </em>make the packed lunches <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia,Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 19.4px; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">and </em>pack the bags <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia,Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 19.4px; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">and </em>ferry the children to and from holiday club. Do not get showered (but <em style="background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Georgia,Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 19.4px; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">do</em> brush your teeth - you're not a barbarian). Instead put on 'active wear' which (regardless of whether you do any proper exercise) will excuse the fact that your hair is in a Very Bad Way. Walk the dog - whether he likes it or not - and pray that you don't bump into your neighbours. Your aim is for a sleeping hound that will allow you to write and nobody realising that occasionally you run so close to the wire that you don't shower first thing. Until you share it on LinkedIn.</div>
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Step Two: Take your kids and two of their friends to a holiday club.</h2>
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Make sure that you have three boys in the back of your car who will talk about nothing but frigging Fortnite and Donald Trump, and a girl in the front who cannot believe her bad luck that she has to go to the same holiday club as her "smelly brother and his smelly friends".</div>
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Step Two (a): Realise that you need fuel.</h2>
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Stop for fuel - now is not the time to 'wing it'. Observe the car bouncing as the boys 'floss' in the back.</div>
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After re-fuelling, head for a holiday club which you have carefully selected to be expensive enough to make sure you spend the time working, not just waltzing around your house with glee because you are the only one at home and nobody is asking you to do anything for them. Gaze wistfully at the mums and dads in full office clobber dropping their children off as you remember what it felt like to wear a Hobbs dress and have share options. Remember that you nearly lost your mind (but did cash in enough options to pay for a kitchen - swings and roundabouts.....)</div>
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<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step Three: Get down to it</h2>
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Return to house to find a sleeping dog (told you that early doors walk would be worth it). Take a moment to savour the silence of your home. Enjoy a solid few hours of writing and marvel at how a week off really can replenish your reserves. Even if your children fought like wildcats for large parts of it.</div>
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<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step Four: Run the dog</h2>
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Get some proper use out of your active wear. Leave the house looking unspeakable with the dog tied to a 'canie-x' belt.</div>
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Realise that by 'run' what you're actually going to participate in is a steeplechase because you live in the countryside and it has rained solidly for most of the past week.</div>
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Also realise that by 'run' you are going to participate in a 'hunt' because you husband insisted on getting a gun dog that loses its mind when it smells rabbits/deer/pheasants.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1cq-PLQBj4/W4PX2h1gpTI/AAAAAAAADLI/b1dCAovmxX4Zy87WX2O71d0235zAmB3LACLcBGAs/s1600/vinnie%2Bhunting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1125" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T1cq-PLQBj4/W4PX2h1gpTI/AAAAAAAADLI/b1dCAovmxX4Zy87WX2O71d0235zAmB3LACLcBGAs/s320/vinnie%2Bhunting.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Return home where you will bump into your neighbour. Rejoice that whilst your face looks like a tomato placed on top of a pile of Lycra she is in her 'gardening clothes' so you are evens.</div>
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<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step Five: Clean the dog</h2>
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On the doorstep because your dog is too big to fit in a sink and will actively fight you if you try to put it in the shower. Congratulate yourself on buying a short-haired dog. Marvel at how you get through three towels.</div>
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<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step Six: Clean yourself</h2>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); font-family: Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 20px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 32px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Now is the time for that shower. See - it would have been annoying if you'd have done it first thing...</div>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><br />
<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Step Seven: Get down to it (again)</h2>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); font-family: Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 20px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 32px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
After staring enviously at the dog who is now contentedly snoozing on *your* sofa, return to your words.</div>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><br />
<h2 style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 600; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 28px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 28px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
And finally.....</h2>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: -apple-system,system-ui,BlinkMacSystemFont,Segoe UI,Roboto,Helvetica Neue,Fira Sans,Ubuntu,Oxygen,Oxygen Sans,Cantarell,Droid Sans,Apple Color Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Emoji,Segoe UI Symbol,Lucida Grande,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: border-box; background-color: transparent; background-image: none; background-origin: padding-box; background-position-x: 0px; background-position-y: 0px; background-repeat: repeat; background-size: auto; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.75); font-family: Source Serif Pro,serif; font-size: 20px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 32px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Congratulate yourself as you complete your writing. Before heading off to collect those kids :)</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-53570082992001227862018-05-02T11:13:00.003+01:002018-05-02T11:24:52.239+01:00Dog Walkin' Blues<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I went
on a dog walk</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">And mis-judged my clothes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I got soaked to my knickers</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I got soaked to my toes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">My trousers are clinging</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Where they ain't s'posed to cling</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">What part of me is dry?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Not a god damn thing</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; orphans: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">'Cos I got the</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Dog, dog, dog, walkin' blues</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">If you want cold feet</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Take a walk in my shoes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; orphans: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; orphans: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Got back from my dog walk</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Stripped off in the hall</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I went to wipe the dog down</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">He wiped himself down the wall</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Now I'm stood in my undies</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">And thinking what the hell</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Am I supposed to do about</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">That wet dog smell?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">'Cos I
got the</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Dog,
dog, dog, walkin' blues</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">If you want cold feet</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Take a
walk in my shoes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I went
to the bathroom</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">To get
myself dry</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Took a
look in the mirror</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">And I
wanted to cry</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">At the
start of the morning</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">I was
looking alright </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Now I
look like Alice Cooper</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">And
it's given me a fright</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">'Cos I
got the</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Dog,
dog, dog, walkin' blues</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">If you want cold feet</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Take a
walk in my shoes</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Now
I'm sat here all cosy</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Dry
jeans on my ass</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Cup of
Joe on the go now</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">A bit
of time to pass</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Feel
my day has got better</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Right
up until when</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">The
dog looks at me like</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">He
wants to go out again</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">'Cos I
got the</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Dog,
dog, dog, walkin' blues</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">If you want cold feet</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;">Take a
walk in my (soakin' wet, son of a gun) shoes.......</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oeeiBOBGf0Q/WumOsPxcMpI/AAAAAAAAB6s/Kq9myckFMq0HQ4lhYItmAOXh-TJxqA_rgCLcBGAs/s1600/clothes%2Bin%2Bhallway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: #0066cc; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-left: 16px; margin-right: 16px; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oeeiBOBGf0Q/WumOsPxcMpI/AAAAAAAAB6s/Kq9myckFMq0HQ4lhYItmAOXh-TJxqA_rgCLcBGAs/s320/clothes%2Bin%2Bhallway.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div>
<b><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></i></b>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-67521859777787066962018-04-01T20:39:00.000+01:002018-04-01T20:39:02.372+01:00Doggy StyleWhat do you do when your life has got a bit simpler? You know, when the kids are able to take care of most things themselves and you feel like you have established some semblance of a routine. You get a dog, that's what you do. <br />
<br />
Well...you <i>try </i>to get a dog. We <i>tried </i>to do the right thing and go down the Dog's Trust route only to be met with a sea of cute little doggy faces, each above the legend that read "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 16". So we bought a puppy and almost a year on from that fateful day I thought I'd share with you a few observations so far......<br />
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<h3>
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TZGhhJgyjsM/WsEmiYxqphI/AAAAAAAAB4s/gLMxfYZtta0JHJgIHwF7OvfVBMPORqA_wCLcBGAs/s1600/dog%2Bfashion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TZGhhJgyjsM/WsEmiYxqphI/AAAAAAAAB4s/gLMxfYZtta0JHJgIHwF7OvfVBMPORqA_wCLcBGAs/s200/dog%2Bfashion.jpg" width="150" /></a>Having a dog does <i>terrible</i> things to your wardrobe</h3>
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You see the woman in that picture? That's me. On holiday. That's what my holiday photos now look like: waterproof coat that packs into its own pocket. Waterproof trousers that have an elasticated waist and no pockets so you can't actually get at anything. Walking boots - WALKING BOOTS! I put this on and thought "oh my christ, is this actually my life?". Even the dog is staring at me as if to ask "Are you really going out dressed like that?".<br />
<h3>
<br />Having a dog does terrible things to your wardrobe - part 2</h3>
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x80WqXm5gTA/WsEnlCH76gI/AAAAAAAAB44/lunQLWd1sSMQ2R8lPUq40cwJXGvUCxA3QCLcBGAs/s1600/dog%2Bfashion%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x80WqXm5gTA/WsEnlCH76gI/AAAAAAAAB44/lunQLWd1sSMQ2R8lPUq40cwJXGvUCxA3QCLcBGAs/s200/dog%2Bfashion%2B2.jpg" width="150" /></a>You see the woman in that picture? That is also me. In it, I am wearing a coat that I liked very much. It is from North Face and is extremely warm. It has now become my "Dog Coat" and sports a stain that I cannot figure out but which makes me look like I have been lactating. It could be from the last time that the dog had his worming treatment at the vets and then rubbed himself all over my jacket...<br />
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You may also notice that I look tired in the picture. Having a dog makes you tired. Especially when you get a dog that needs a lot of exercise. Or one that wakes up early in the morning. Or one that does both.<br />
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<h3>
Having a dog does terrible things to your house</h3>
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You know those big plastic tub/bucket things everyone has - useful for transporting garden rubbish / filling with kids toys / filling with ice & beer (hurry up summer!) - well they're also very good for putting in massive holes that your dog has dug in the garden. He has stopped digging but we are yet to fix his landscaping. I fear that we've left it too long and it's now become a 'feature'.</div>
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Our hallway - when not bearing muddy paw prints - looks like Depeche Mode have dropped round for tea. It contains a variety of leads, collars and harnesses. Let me tell you a little bit about them:</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RSJjgtqZdFM/WsEqhXYLRII/AAAAAAAAB5E/6m_KTIkkr9grkT54Bq6pcpIGZwdooiMZwCLcBGAs/s1600/dog%2Bfashion%2B3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RSJjgtqZdFM/WsEqhXYLRII/AAAAAAAAB5E/6m_KTIkkr9grkT54Bq6pcpIGZwdooiMZwCLcBGAs/s200/dog%2Bfashion%2B3.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li>The <b>classic harness </b>- sports a 'handle' so that you can grab your dog as you vainly try to get him back on the lead.</li>
<li>The <b>Halti harness </b>- claims to "stop pulling instantly" - does it f**k. My dog could use it to pull a car up the road in a World's Strongest Man competition.</li>
<li>The <b>'Gentle Leader' face harness</b> - also claims to "stop pulling instantly". It actually does. What it doesn't tell you is that it will cause your dog to every now and then stop and rub its face along the ground in an attempt to get the thing off. </li>
<li><b>Normal lead</b> - padded grip - nice :) Now held together with gaffer tape because it got caught on the velcro of my Dog Coat and all the stitches started to come out.</li>
<li><b>Halti training lead </b>- longer than a normal lead. Bloody uncomfortable. Takes a layer of skin off your hand if your dog pulls.</li>
<li><b>Extendable lead </b>- never, ever allow your dog to say hello to another dog on an extendable lead. You will end up in some kind of Twister manoeuvre with the other owner.</li>
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The stairs is a mixed bag. We are back to having a stair gate. I have been very earnestly informed that "it's entirely possible to train your dog not to go upstairs, <i>don't you know</i>" but after spending five weeks trying to combine working from home with instructing a dog that he may not go upstairs, I found the five minute installation of a stair gate the equivalent of a magic wand. Also, nobody leaves their shit on the stairs anymore because the gate seems to act like a magical force field - double result!</div>
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But why am I telling you any of this? Because if you are going to get a dog you need to know that:</div>
<h3>
Having a dog does terrible things to your bank balance</h3>
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I have considered asking my customers to pay me in Pets at Home vouchers. Toys last two days, food lasts two minutes, leads need replacing and pet insurance is the one insurance that you will without a doubt need to use. You will need to buy terrible clothes to walk the dog in and a grille to keep your dog safe in the car oh and a crate that your dog will refuse to sleep in past the age of 4 months and a rug to replace the one that he chewed a hole in when he was a tiny pup. You may also like to spend money on dog training which will be by turns enlightening and maddening - some lessons you will come away from feeling smug and others you will leaving feeling like a twat.</div>
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And just when you get to the point when you think "why the bloody hell did we do this?" - this happens and you realise that for all the terrible clothes, terrible marks to the house and the terrible impact to your bank balance, they're completely and utterly worth it :)</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OdKK0A14ZYE/WsEzz3c_Z9I/AAAAAAAAB5U/vi1v1ls0tcQjAVA1Qf1LuyDXk-v3oQ3OQCLcBGAs/s1600/pupster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1410" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OdKK0A14ZYE/WsEzz3c_Z9I/AAAAAAAAB5U/vi1v1ls0tcQjAVA1Qf1LuyDXk-v3oQ3OQCLcBGAs/s320/pupster.jpg" width="282" /></a></div>
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Soundtrack: Doggystyle - Snoop Dogg</div>
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Like this? You might also like this poem: <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2017/10/get-dog.html" target="_blank">Get a Dog</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-43348296673668786082017-12-27T15:38:00.000+00:002017-12-27T15:38:00.180+00:00I Want Your CeX<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you're stuck for something to do during the Christmas break then I highly recommend paying a visit to your local CeX shop. Or perhaps you could visit your local</span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-trKWEPCexIo/WkO9CsE5zWI/AAAAAAAAB4I/g6KIj4s2QBQ3YUT9fmoHWz_8xgScvmafACLcBGAs/s1600/cex1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-trKWEPCexIo/WkO9CsE5zWI/AAAAAAAAB4I/g6KIj4s2QBQ3YUT9fmoHWz_8xgScvmafACLcBGAs/s320/cex1.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">sex shop. But I'm not taking my kids to one of those. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The purpose of today's trip was to cash in an ancient Nintendo Wii and a shoebox full of Skylanders made redundant 3 months ago by the arrival of an Xbox. Now that a respectful mourning period has passed, and with the promise that they could keep the proceeds of the games that they bought for it, the children and I packed a Sainsbo's bag for life and headed towards the promise of cash in exchange for a console.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not sure what your workplace is like, but here is one that smells like piles of laundry dried on a bannister, overflowing ash trays and Monster energy drinks. Alongside consoles, the shelves are heaving with shiny secondhand laptops and tablets, but the staff have to work from shitty Lenovo pcs with several keys missing - and the grime of a thousand finger prints on the ones that remain. With dozens of lit up screens playing different demos and videos it's a no-go zone for anyone with sensory issues but the racks of alphabetised games behind the counter are a magnet for those with OCD.</span><br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhOtoE5MjMI/WkO9CmUOcMI/AAAAAAAAB4E/RO9plf6JBvswAIwS7cvdAXgPlye51ng9gCLcBGAs/s1600/cex2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then there are the customers....... Our visit was brief but whilst we were there the staff handled questions, objections and insults from every walk of life. From the red-trousered dad who wanted to know "who I can speak to in Head Office about this" to the bell-end who said "This is shit. I don't want a fucking refund, I want you to fucking exchange my game and no I won't fucking mind my language." There was also the very nice lady who felt the need to explain precisely where she would, and wouldn't, be using her iPad and the likes of me who turn up with items for which they have to go through a whole cataloguing process in order to pay you 1p (the going rate for a Skylanders Swap Force Big Bang Trigger Happy in case you're wondering). There was also the customer who was so suspicious of being ripped off that he went on the offensive with "NO - your're NOT going to offer me less for it" as soon as the cashier started to speak. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhOtoE5MjMI/WkO9CmUOcMI/AAAAAAAAB4E/RO9plf6JBvswAIwS7cvdAXgPlye51ng9gCLcBGAs/s320/cex2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Told you - 1p for a Skylander!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhOtoE5MjMI/WkO9CmUOcMI/AAAAAAAAB4E/RO9plf6JBvswAIwS7cvdAXgPlye51ng9gCLcBGAs/s1600/cex2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; clear: left; color: #0066cc; float: left; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 16px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 16px; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhOtoE5MjMI/WkO9CmUOcMI/AAAAAAAAB4E/RO9plf6JBvswAIwS7cvdAXgPlye51ng9gCLcBGAs/s1600/cex2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; clear: right; color: #0066cc; float: right; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"></a><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is a shop that I found challenging to be in, let alone work in but here is a shop where the staff were able to deal with everything that each customer threw at them without punching them in the face or calling them a twat. They showed patience, restraint and initiative in the face of inane questions, personal insults and policies that are not entirely customer friendly. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A trip to CeX is a trip out of your comfortable bubble that puts any petty work-related annoyances you may have into perspective. It's also one of the few trips you can do with the children where you come out quids in. Now what else can we sell.......?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Soundtrack:</span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3AP26ywQsQ" target="_blank">I Want Your Sex - George Michael</a></span><br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-56796555406285178772017-10-23T09:14:00.002+01:002019-01-24T10:57:55.372+00:00Get a Dog<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If you like to carry poo bags, get a dog</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If you don't care about dog hair, get a dog</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If you don't mind dirty paws</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br />Leaving track marks on your floors<br />Then I think that you are ready for a dog<br /><br />If you want to lose your slipper, get a dog<br />If you like socks that are shredded, get a dog<br />If you're absolutely fine<br />Being woken with a whine<br />It's about time that you thought about a dog<br /><br />If you like your lawn with holes in, get a dog<br />If you don't care much for lie-ins get a dog<br />If your idea of a lark<br />Is to be dragged round a park<br />Then you better go out shopping for a dog<br /><br />If you like meals interrupted, get a dog<br />If you want to share your sofa, get a dog<br />If you like your skirting chewed<br />And to have to hide your food<br />You definitely ought to get a dog<br /><br />If you want to walk in rain storms, get a dog<br />If you like a bit of slobber, get a dog<br />If you'd like your kids to shout<br />"Look, his willy's hanging out!"<br />Get a dog, get a dog, GET A DOG!</span><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tG3KJx5FLuA/We2k30uvu-I/AAAAAAAAB3Q/1qcmhbArfpIbExi4tfzd1GnbmFSRyxN0wCLcBGAs/s1600/vinnie%2Bdishwasher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tG3KJx5FLuA/We2k30uvu-I/AAAAAAAAB3Q/1qcmhbArfpIbExi4tfzd1GnbmFSRyxN0wCLcBGAs/s320/vinnie%2Bdishwasher.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-47279528978534671852017-09-05T15:09:00.000+01:002017-09-05T15:09:24.595+01:00Goodbye to GinghamIn July 2012 I wrote about how my daughter was just about to finish her second year of primary school (you can read the post <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/we-dont-need-no-education.html" target="_blank">here</a>). This was a new blog back then and I had no idea that the process of publishing my thoughts on parenthood and saying goodbye to corporate life would lead to me becoming a writer full-time. Turns out that 'doing what you love thing' is true.<br />
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Fast forward to today and that same 'little girl' is about to start secondary school. The badge is sewn on to the blazer, every last item of clothing is labelled and her timetable is pinned to the wall. We have spent more on uniform and PE kit than I spent on my first car and she is now the proud owner of a phone which she has used to arrange meet ups with friends and take part in chats that consist mostly of emojis. She's even used it to stay in touch with me and Mr K when we're away - bonus!<br />
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I don't feel wistful about primary; this was the first summer my daughter has chosen not to wear a gingham dress and seeing her among a class of Year 6's that towered above the reception class (and in some instances are taller than me...) was a clear signal that it was time to move on. She could do with having a mix of teachers, a mix of other children, a bit more space to grow. Maybe it will be different when the boy moves on and I no longer get to stand on the playground chatting with the parents who have become my friends. <br />
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Secondary marks a step towards her future and whilst I don't relish the thought of exam stresses (whatever form the system takes by then....) and am pretending to ignore that fact I'll have a teenager two years from now, I'm happy to let her go a little more. Goodbye gingham, it was nice knowing you :) <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7dL_5sK1Wp8/Wa6ucmHNyTI/AAAAAAAAB2k/lhQ8Ac1RnxQFkuR1ATMr9P-C7gnguL5SQCLcBGAs/s1600/gingham%2Bdress.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="282" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7dL_5sK1Wp8/Wa6ucmHNyTI/AAAAAAAAB2k/lhQ8Ac1RnxQFkuR1ATMr9P-C7gnguL5SQCLcBGAs/s1600/gingham%2Bdress.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">M&S's finest</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-37978887468876257512017-08-21T18:13:00.000+01:002017-08-21T18:13:22.160+01:00Sensible ShoesFeet hot and hurting in sensible shoes<br />
City dirt sitting on my skin<br />
Hair lank<br />
Around me suits and sneakers<br />
Vivienne Westwood and vests<br />
<br />
A man sniffs his finger<br />
While others stare at screens<br />
Read papers<br />
Look everywhere except at each other<br />
The advert says "The world is your Oyster card"<br />
But I am a novice, marked out by an orange ticket<br />
The small of my back aches<br />
<br />
The next station....<br />
The next station....<br />
This train is....<br />
This train is:<br />
Wipe clean floor<br />
Painted metal<br />
Velour<br />
Seating<br />
Change here but mind the gap<br />
And the doors<br />
<br />
Headscarves and rucksacks<br />
Handbags and headphones<br />
Work tools and iPhones<br />
<br />
Poems and questions<br />
Maps and instructions<br />
Sliding doors<br />
A pause<br />
To let people off<br />
Turned sideways, shuffling<br />
Baby steps up the stairs<br />
Feet hot and hurting in sensible shoes<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-25477893021101195552017-05-14T21:31:00.002+01:002017-05-14T21:31:44.435+01:00BlackbirdWhy do my legs feel so heavy? The weight of the weather I think - dark clouds bearing down over the fields of rape, close to touching them but still not dulling their acid yellow hue. My fluorescent running top, designed to make me stand out, blends right in. I am in countryside camouflage.<br />
<br />
Afternoon running is not my thing. I'm normally an early bird, it gets me set up for the day but with a huge burst of rain having just refreshed the earth I can't help but be drawn, heavy legs and all.<br />
<br />
The Ridgeway path is giving to one and all this Sunday afternoon; walkers, horse riders, cyclists and a family trying to teach their daughter to drive. She grinds gears as the sparrows make fun of her from the hedgerow.<br />
<br />
I try to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth; it's supposed to lower your heart rate but I'm aiming mainly for the avoidance of swallowing the flies that are in abundance right now. My nose burns and my lungs beg for a huge gulp rather than the thin wisps afforded by the little airways that come with having what was once fondly called a 'button nose' by my mum. I give in and run slack-jawed up the hill.<br />
<br />
Ploughed fields open up to one side and I can hear the Skylarks, their call reminding me of squelchy acid house. I scan the sky and spot one calling out to its mate on the ground. Hovering, trilling, making me marvel at the juxtaposition of these amazing little creatures and the towers of Didcot that I can see in the distance. Nature and nuclear. I am satisfied.<br />
<br />
I reach the turning point of my run and head back down the hill. Counting off the fence posts and telegraph poles that will take me home. A blackbird perched on a wire is singing his heart out. I slow, then stop in the hope that I can carry on enjoying his show but he sees me as predator - or maybe as sport. He flits 50 metres on to another resting point, daring me to catch him up. Whistling his beautiful tune. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(c) RSPB http://www.rspb.org.uk/birds-and-wildlife/bird-and-wildlife-guides/bird-a-z/b/blackbird/index.aspx</span></td></tr>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-379007242156287222017-05-02T10:44:00.003+01:002017-05-02T10:44:33.775+01:00Pearl and DeanIt's a Saturday in October 1988. October isn't known for sunshine but in my memory it's a sunny day and I am part of a long, snaking queue of children and teenagers that wraps around the front and side of the ABC Cinema in Basingstoke.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a00yg7QtRUc/WQhUkGj_BLI/AAAAAAAAB1U/wWfkNPItqQ4WhoaPw1d1uMWj0XF2YHoKQCEw/s1600/ABC%2BBasingstoke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a00yg7QtRUc/WQhUkGj_BLI/AAAAAAAAB1U/wWfkNPItqQ4WhoaPw1d1uMWj0XF2YHoKQCEw/s320/ABC%2BBasingstoke.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(c) Basingstoke Gazette</td></tr>
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We throw sweets at each other to pass the time; shove our friends out into the way of people trying to edge past en route to the taxi rank and shout loudly. Michael Jackson's Moonwalker has arrived and we can't wait to see it.<br />
<br />
The doors open and we force our way through; frantically fishing for coins in our jeans pockets whilst straining to see how many people are running to the swinging doors that lead to the screen. Will we get our place?<br />
<br />
Feet pound like a drumroll on the patterned carpet as we race through the doors and force our way up the narrow stairs to find the 'best seats'. They're near the back and grant easy access to a covered window which we plan to open during the adverts to let light in for a laugh.<br />
<br />
We balance our buttocks on the edge of the flip-up seats, causing them to come down with a thud that sends up tiny particles of cigarette ash which reminds me of the smell of my nan's sofa. The children call out to each other and throw Mint Imperials at the back of smaller children's heads. There are no adults.<br />
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And then....the lights go out and a pale beam the colour of moonlight streams from the back of the room. Dust dances and small hands raise up to interrupt its journey to the screen. This action is something we will repeat a few years later when we start going to raves but for now, it's all harmless fun. The usherette flashes a torch around searching for the culprits amid shouts to "SIT DOWN!".<br />
They sit down. The torch goes out. We follow the line of the now steady beam to the screen and we wait. A fit of the giggles is met with a "SSSSHHHHHH!".<br />
<br />
There is a crackle.<br />
<br />
The screen goes from black to grey to blue. And we know. We all know what's about to happen.<br />
<br />
We draw in our breath and sing as one.<br />
<br />
"BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA-AAAAA-AP!"<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-76259075157060280952017-04-09T23:31:00.000+01:002017-04-09T23:31:29.869+01:00Oh BoyIt is bedtime. And your limbs are heavy.<br />
<br />
"Carry me Mummy."<br />
<br />
I lift you and you curl your arms around my neck, gentle fingers not quite intertwined. You rest your hot cheek against my shoulder. Your breath against my neck.<br />
<br />
Your hair is tufted, rearranged while sweaty then left to dry. It smells of grass and dust and I'm glad you didn't wash it.<br />
<br />
You place your legs around my waist but you can't hang on by yourself. Too tired.<br />
<br />
I cradle your bottom with both of my hands to support you and remember when the midwife lifted you onto me - your bottom in the palm of my hand, your wet little cheek against my chest, your smell of new life. <br />
<br />
I wonder where the time went. I wonder if this is the last time I'll get to do this.<br />
<br />
Oh boy.<br />
<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-14017791387542661932017-04-03T09:59:00.000+01:002017-04-03T10:00:07.000+01:00Middle Class Gangsta<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_58e20e678673b3f21858656">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I'm cruising in to town the traffic's bumper to bumper<br /> I got Jigsaw jeans, I got a Boden jumper<br /> The kids are in the back, my boy's a little prankster<br /> We're off to Waitrose - yeah I'm a middle class gangsta</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> I've got style in the aisle in my Dubarry boots<br /> I'm here to buy French cheese and exotic fruits<br /> I'm picking up the lillies - they're £10 a bunch<br /> And I'm picking up some sushi for my daughter's packed lunch</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> The vegetables I'm packing, well they're always organic<br /> And if I can't find avocado then I'm starting to panic<br /> I'm buying quinoa and cous-cous and wild brown rice<br /> I'm filling up my trolley and I'm not checking the price!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> My girlies like prosecco and my man likes real ale<br /> And to counteract the gin I drink, I'm juicing the kale<br /> I take Omega 3 for my brain potential <br /> And I bought some truffle oil because the label said "Essential"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> I never shop at Tesco, it's too big - I'd get lost<br /> And I never shop at Lidl, 'cos I never check the cost<br /> I rock up to the cafe with my My Waitrose card <br /> And I grab a free latte, 'cos shopping is hard!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> I'm a middle class gangsta, and I'll be one for life<br /> And if you try to step to me, I'll pull a Laura Ashley knife<br /> I'd love to talk all night, but this is where it ends<br /> I'm off for kitchen supper with my middle class friends.</span><br />
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- mic drop -<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-63795066280316419132017-01-09T23:13:00.000+00:002017-02-14T09:18:34.448+00:00Reasons to be Cheerful, Part Two<div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Coming soon to a bookshelf near you...the return of Reasons to be Cheerful!</div>
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Image (c) Tony Cocks</div>
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Well frankly it's about bloody time! Reasons to be Cheerful, Part Two is now officially underway with the sending of a sample chapter to my lovely proofreader, Vanessa. </div>
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For this reason, I'll be posting a little less frequently on the blog, but if you want to stay in touch I'll be regularly updating my <a href="http://www.facebook.com/tonijkent" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and occasionally tiptoeing through <a href="http://www.twitter.com/tonijkent" target="_blank">twitter</a>. I'm also still out there performing so if you want to find out where you can see me next, click <a href="http://www.tonikent.co.uk/performances" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-44614672171409809052016-12-15T19:28:00.003+00:002016-12-17T13:21:02.308+00:00A Christmas CarolYou know when you think you're just going to hear a few carols being sung by your child's class and it turns out to be a full blown church service? That's precisely what happened to me recently. Perhaps the fact it was held in an abbey should have alerted me, but I couldn't help but feel unprepared for 'what I was about to receive'.<br />
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It wasn't all bad though; the singing was great, the abbey was awe inspiring, and I learned a very useful lesson - some things never change when it comes to carol services. I'm willing to bet you'll find the same things too:<br />
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<h3>
1. There will be a child who actually sounds like an angel</h3>
<div>
To the boy who sang the first two lines of 'Once in Royal David's City', on his own, in the abbey, in front of hundreds of people - thank you, your voice is a rare and beautiful thing.</div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
2. Two things about 'We Three Kings'</h3>
<h4>
i. The alternative version</h4>
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If the person next to you also knows the "one in a taxi, one in a car, one on a scooter beeping his hooter" version it will offer you a wonderful moment of bonding. It will also offer you the opportunity to pass on a tradition when you teach it to your children later on that day.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
ii. There is a pause</h4>
<div>
Don't rush into "Oh star of wonder" - oh no. It actually goes "Ohhhhhhhhhhh (wait for it) ...... star of wonder". The woman next to me said it reminded her of the punk version of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m7tPikH0UA" target="_blank">Nellie the Elephant</a>. Which means that I now have two reasons to giggle my way through the carol. And two ways in which to get it wrong.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
3. 'Oh Little Town of Bethlehem' sorts out the regulars from the visitors</h3>
Doesn't matter how many times I sing this, I <i>always</i> forget that "How silently, how silently" should be sung <i>quietly (shhhhhhhhh)</i>. <br />
<br />
<h3>
4. You will revert to childhood at some point</h3>
I found myself raising my eyebrows at the re-telling of the immaculate conception and associated on/off/on again of Mary & Joesph's marriage, especially as it was being read by a child. So when I heard a man behind me say "oh, isn't the text wonderful" I presumed he was joking. But as I turned to him in shared mirth I discovered that he was in fact A MONK. A monk that was stood next to A NUN. Neither of them were laughing. Oh the hot flush of chastisement coupled with wanting to cry with embarrassed laughter. Such. A. Child. <br />
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<h3>
5. 'Silent Night' is best left to the children</h3>
<div>
Even the nun didn't try "sleep in heavenly pea........eeeeeeeeece". Too high. Best sung by six year olds.</div>
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<h3>
6. Two things about 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'</h3>
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i. It's that volume thing again - the choruses <i>start quietly.</i><br />
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ii. It contains the classic line "he abhors not the virgin's womb". And there's no way I'm singing it. Change it to "he totally loved that virgin's womb" and I'll consider it. <br />
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<h3>
7. You'll probably cry at some point</h3>
For me it's all about 'Away in a Manger'. Can't help it.<br />
<br />
<h3>
8. 'Sing Hosanna' - still challenging</h3>
<div>
When I was at school the infants used to add an extra "of kings" right at the end of the chorus. I went to one of my daughter's first carol concerts and guess what? It happened then, and it's still happening today. <br />
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<h3>
9. You should shake hands with the vicar on the way out</h3>
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Whether it's a "thanks for the service" or "that's out of the way for another year", it seems a fitting way to finish.</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-43918282478474665352016-12-01T19:03:00.002+00:002016-12-01T19:16:36.230+00:00A Networking Christmas<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Is Christmas making you queasy?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are festivities making you frown?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Athena makes gift shopping easy</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And avoids all the trauma of town</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Buy your brother-in-law a nice back rub</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Buy your aunty an intimate wax</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Treat the family to a great photoshoot</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Help your in-laws to sort out their tax</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Book a mindfulness course for your mother</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Or a dream holiday for next year</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Take some reiki to help you recover</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Have some coaching to help your mind clear</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Train your canine to become a "good dog"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Train yourself into feeling more strong</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Help your husband to learn how to cha-cha</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Get a workout to fit in your thong</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You can outsource your post-Christmas clutter</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Free that neck nerve that somehow got trapped</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Outsource dinner, pretend that you made it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Get your presents professionally wrapped</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We have so many talents between us</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So much that we're able to do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here's to the ladies of Athena</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A </span><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">very</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> happy Christmas to you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This poem was inspired by the ladies of the </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhR1_CdRowA" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">West Berkshire Athena Network</span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> - thank you for your support, friendship and endless gift ideas :D</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-35665444476967588012016-11-08T21:39:00.001+00:002016-11-08T21:39:14.355+00:00Why I'm Learning to Love Football<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I'll confess, I wasn't keen on my son getting 'into' football. This makes me a traitor to my upbringing where football was the sport of choice and rugby was for "posh kids" or fat retired policemen. I liked Chelsea because my dad supported them, but my mum supported Liverpool, so our living room featured a mirror for each team, which alongside the Coca-Cola mirror they had purchased, made it look quite a lot like a social club.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P_-L5Y5R2Ys/WCHhKX6MP9I/AAAAAAAAByI/bCwGE2O6OIw_5vYpLChroTd68mQp3j5HgCLcB/s1600/mirrors.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><img alt="Can't see the mirrors? Download the pics!" border="0" height="161" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P_-L5Y5R2Ys/WCHhKX6MP9I/AAAAAAAAByI/bCwGE2O6OIw_5vYpLChroTd68mQp3j5HgCLcB/s400/mirrors.JPG" title="" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Frankly, a home is not a home without a selection of these...</span></td></tr>
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<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GD0ih_1c1VY/WCJCzSlh_JI/AAAAAAAAByc/SYzDJm-1-b8Hr5Vv7uum6wKmK13PJdhbwCLcB/s1600/wegerle.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Can't see Roy? Download the images!" border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GD0ih_1c1VY/WCJCzSlh_JI/AAAAAAAAByc/SYzDJm-1-b8Hr5Vv7uum6wKmK13PJdhbwCLcB/s200/wegerle.JPG" title="" width="143" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">The man behind the song <br />(image sportworld cards)</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My Great Uncle was a West Ham fan who taught us "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" and took the time to try to instil in us a love of local football with trips to Camrose to watch Basingstoke FC. My brother and I wandered around the ground taking in the banter and the smell of Bovril, while we waited for goals that would never come. These formative experiences prepared me well for secondary school where football chants were frequently sung in lessons. My personal favourite was one that would be sung with incredible gusto and was beautiful in its simplicity. It was about the QPR player Roy Wegerle and required just two things: his surname and the tune to "Here We Go". </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">By the age of 14 I was going to matches with friends. We bought tickets via a friend of the 'QPR Boy' to go and watch Spurs vs Arsenal at White Hart Lane. I don't even know how he got hold of them in the first place. This is pre-internet - did he write off including a stamped addressed envelope? Did he phone up the club and promise to send a postal order? It matters not, we got the tickets, enjoyed the buzz of the tube on match day, went to the stadium, sat at the home end and then as the final whistle blew and people made their way out of their seats....my friend unzipped her jacket to reveal...an Arsenal shirt. We ran the rest of the way out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I have experienced the thrill of the terraces, been caught in a crush as people rushed to the barriers to celebrate a goal, enjoyed the independence of going to a match with my mates (and nearly got lynched) and felt the excitement of walking up to Wembley for a Cup Final (and seen piss cascade from the bottom of an advertising hording as men relieved themselves behind it) so why on earth wouldn't I want my boy to enjoy all this?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here's a sentence that explains why I didn't want my son to like football:</span></h4>
<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Oi you f**king c**t! Pass the f**king ball for f**k's sake!"</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I heard this at my local park from the <b>village football team</b>. As I walked my children to the swings. I wondered if their families on the sidelines had selective hearing...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here's another one:</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Pass it to Alfie! Pass it TO ALFIE! <b>PASS. THE. BALL. TO. ALFIE. NOWWWWW!!!"</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This sentence was bellowed by a parent at their 6 year old. At another village park. At what was billed as a "friendly football club". Nice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So whilst our son has always enjoyed football at school and is devoted to Reading FC, when he showed an interest in rugby I was pleased as I did not want to stand next to Mr "Pass it to Alfie" every Sunday. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Here's what I heard at rugby:</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"First things first, we respect the ref." "We play as a team." "If someone has a bad game we don't single them out." "We have fun." "There is a place on the pitch for everyone."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And here's what the parents said:</span></h4>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Not much. Most people were gently nursing Sunday morning hangovers but when they did speak it was to say hello. Nobody shouted at their children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">At local rugby tournaments people are friendly, at major games opposing fans can be trusted to have a pint in the stands together. Without exception I have found rugby to be a welcoming and well-mannered game where it is possible to attend a match without hearing someone call the ref a "f**king wanker". And there's the added amusement of some roaringly middle-class things happening like the time I saw a mum take her son's teams' sports bottles to the pitch in an Ocado wine carrier.....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But there is a little something missing with rugby. And I think it's best described as this:</span><br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Anyone can take part in a kick-about. It is nigh on impossible to have a 'rugby-about'.</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The 'jumpers for goalposts' adage is true. In Devon our son was kicking a football on the grass, and within a couple of minutes was joined by another boy. Our daughter decided to join in too. Three soon turned into four with the arrival of another girl, the dads followed on and before long I was in goal and the pitch was awash with dad-running, silky-skills and clumsy kicks. We had over an hour of unprompted exercise and bloody good fun. Everyone knew what they were doing and no-one needed to get grabbed by the legs. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s6vvuD9wyFA/WCJDcAPKamI/AAAAAAAAByg/WWZEf6uRuFwquhahGmcguI-924oQIeDfwCLcB/s1600/readingfc.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Can't see the Reading kit? Click to download the pics." border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s6vvuD9wyFA/WCJDcAPKamI/AAAAAAAAByg/WWZEf6uRuFwquhahGmcguI-924oQIeDfwCLcB/s200/readingfc.JPG" title="" width="172" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Treasured and very, very lairy</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In Poole a few weeks ago we saw 20 kids playing on an artificial pitch, with two dads loosely in charge. On the first day our boy just watched them, counting the different team shirts and trying to suss out if they all knew one another. We concluded that they didn't. On the second day he looked over at the pitch then looked at me and said "I'm going to ask if I can join in." And as I watched my 8 year old son, clad head to toe in his cherished fluorescent Reading kit, trot over, introduce himself and then get heartily welcomed into the swarm I realised that perhaps football isn't so bad after all. He had 90 minutes of being part of a team, the kids all calling each other by the names on their backs and no-one being told that they couldn't play. The team sizes fluctuated up and down as children came and went but the game carried on. He was in heaven and I saw how inclusive football can be. And how it needn't be like the other examples I'd come to believe as the norm.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">He's still playing rugby, but now he wants to join a football team too. </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;">Perhaps I could learn to love it.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-15854049677219303382016-10-05T21:25:00.003+01:002016-10-06T22:19:49.814+01:00I Helped the Dawn to BreakA cool October morning<br />
My breath hangs in the air<br />
The leaves hang on the trees - just<br />
Next month they won't be there<br />
<br />
I jog along the pavement<br />
And push just up the hill<br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v3PeoE5ScQ8/V_VhsRS4exI/AAAAAAAABxU/rJnPtDCI3xw7dFMKgo043RfxfQVFY4jEACLcB/s1600/sun%2Bpouring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v3PeoE5ScQ8/V_VhsRS4exI/AAAAAAAABxU/rJnPtDCI3xw7dFMKgo043RfxfQVFY4jEACLcB/s320/sun%2Bpouring.jpg" width="315" /></a>To enter into woodland<br />
Damp shelter from the chill<br />
<br />
Dog walker treads his circuit<br />
His pup grins ear to ear<br />
I leap a fallen tree trunk<br />
Come out into the clear<br />
<br />
And see the sunlight streaming<br />
Lift souls from off the land<br />
I raise my palms up skywards<br />
Let light pour through my hands<br />
<br />
A field once full now flattened<br />
I race along its side<br />
Bright shoes across the dun earth<br />
The plough marks straight and wide<br />
<br />
On to a narrow bridleway<br />
My lungs about to burst<br />
I run right through the cobwebs<br />
It seems that I am first<br />
<br />
I caught the horses dancing<br />
I made the rabbits wake<br />
I heard birds herald morning<br />
I helped the dawn to break<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-75251152083342015392016-10-03T19:18:00.002+01:002016-10-03T19:18:49.242+01:00The Bosching Machine<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Bosch</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You say you offer a superior wash</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But must you announce the laundry's end</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AA0prz5kfsE/V_Kesn2vbDI/AAAAAAAABxE/2NiejBXJge81jiATWr9EnI4UrzPLohi3ACLcB/s1600/bosching%2Bmaching2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With an ear-splitting noise that's bound to send</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;">A person racing across the kitchen</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline;">To turn you off, and I am itching<br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline;">To find your bleep and rip it out<br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline;">"TURN OFF THE MACHINE!!" is the family shout<br /></span></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It would be cheaper to use you at night<br /></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But then you'd beep, which means I might<br /></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take a hammer to your door<br /></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And spill your workings across the floor<br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">At every wash I'd lain in wait</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">To stop the sound that I so hate</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Until I found, oh joy of joys!</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Doqz_jn43w" target="_blank">clip</a> of how to kill your noise....</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AA0prz5kfsE/V_Kesn2vbDI/AAAAAAAABxE/2NiejBXJge81jiATWr9EnI4UrzPLohi3ACLcB/s1600/bosching%2Bmaching2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AA0prz5kfsE/V_Kesn2vbDI/AAAAAAAABxE/2NiejBXJge81jiATWr9EnI4UrzPLohi3ACLcB/s320/bosching%2Bmaching2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-16709936832920254742016-09-26T21:59:00.000+01:002016-09-26T21:59:05.294+01:00I want to do great things<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 3.2rem; margin-top: 3.2rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I'm not a promoter. Not a musician. Not an events organiser or full-time entertainer and yet.... I had an idea that what our village really needed was to have a live band and indie disco evening.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-baD5Ig2h1aE/V-mJvtUFsWI/AAAAAAAABwo/hgExx52G6uo7cCgZLhGpgWR8ZbaiIzuhgCLcB/s1600/rockthevillagehall.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-baD5Ig2h1aE/V-mJvtUFsWI/AAAAAAAABwo/hgExx52G6uo7cCgZLhGpgWR8ZbaiIzuhgCLcB/s320/rockthevillagehall.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah, PowerPoint has a Reading Festival template!</td></tr>
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<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 3.2rem; margin-top: 3.2rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I wanted to do this because 18 months ago I'd been at a friend's party where we danced until 3am to a playlist of '90s music and sank drinks like we were at the Hacienda, rather than in someone's tastefully decorated home. People I'd only spoken to on the school playground or at the local pub became teenagers once again, and friendships were strengthened as we realised that we loved the same music. It felt like we all shared a little of the spirit that we allow to shine so freely when we're young and unencumbered by mortgages and the gradual build up of life's worries.</div>
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 3.2rem; margin-top: 3.2rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I also wanted to do it because since taking up stand-up I'd seen some great live performances from <a href="http://www.oceanruins.co.uk/" target="_blank">local musicians</a> and felt that other people ought to see how talented these bands are. The comedy night I put on was well received so how hard could it be to put on a couple of bands?</div>
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 3.2rem; margin-top: 3.2rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Harder than I thought. During the process of organising the event I discovered that there was an awful lot I didn't know. Like what a 'DI box' or a 'stage monitor' is, or is for. I didn't know how to pronounce 'cajon' (it's "cah-hon" - a type of box drum) and I didn't know how to connect a guitar amp to a mixer. I didn't know that you needed a sound guy to make all this work well enough that the band won't sound like they're playing underwater in a dustbin. Fortunately for me (and for everybody else), the DJ and another villager who works in radio were experts, and kind enough to make up for my considerable lack of knowledge.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BTw8aN6jH1A/V-mKXAAKrpI/AAAAAAAABww/I-jbNN2dF3s_pLs6bD-k4kaCBgYBGfXswCLcB/s1600/WP_20160917_20_38_05_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BTw8aN6jH1A/V-mKXAAKrpI/AAAAAAAABww/I-jbNN2dF3s_pLs6bD-k4kaCBgYBGfXswCLcB/s320/WP_20160917_20_38_05_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awesome sound quality nothing to do with me...</td></tr>
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The event itself was incredible. We danced like we didn't have any responsibilities beyond perfecting our Happy Mondays moves or being able to recite all the words to "Get Your Rocks Off". We tried to drink the bar dry but one thing that I *do know* is how to make sure a bar is well stocked. We tried to eat enough food to avoid getting drunk - only some of us were successful on that front. The next morning my feet were half a size bigger, the recycling bin had over 200 bottles and cans in it and I heard how someone had stopped on the way home to "have a go on the swings" for old times' sake. Someone had also been sick in their bathroom but I'm not supposed to tell you that....</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's not even the half of it......</td></tr>
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The evening was a fundraiser for <a href="http://www.smartworks.org.uk/reading" rel="nofollow noopener" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #8c68cb; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;" target="_blank">Smart Works Reading</a> so there wasn't any financial reward in it for me, but I did get something else extremely valuable: a reminder that sometimes we don't need to wait until we think we're 100% there to go after the things that we want to achieve. By showing my enthusiasm, people became interested. By being clear on the outcome, others wanted to take part. By being honest about the stuff I didn't know, others offered to help.</div>
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This process has inspired me to go after the things that I really want to achieve - chief among which is to ramp up the number of speaking engagements that I do. So that's why I'm off to see the Berkshire WI speaker selection committee this week to see if I can't get myself a little tour underway. I want to do great things, how about you?</div>
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Soundtrack: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TKaMi06tg8" target="_blank">Great Things by Echobelly</a></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-82872898207528022762016-09-04T22:02:00.000+01:002016-09-05T14:26:28.040+01:00The Holidays: An EducationI don't know about you but I am chomping at the bit to get back to work properly. I'm afraid that six weeks of squeezing work in around the holidays have led to my writing abilities diminishing beyond recognition, and I'm bored of the children being bored. This is not one-sided either - they're desperate to be back amongst friends and the certainty of routine.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Always, always cold</td></tr>
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<br />
There's also the small matter of whether the break has erased the efforts of the teachers over the past term. If today's return to rugby was anything to go by (where children forgot how to catch balls and parents forgot that standing on a pitch is always, always going to be cold) then that may well be true. Unless you frame the learning in a different way. Which is what I'm going to try to do, so here's....:<br />
<br />
<br />
<h2>
How to keep your kids educated during the holidays:</h2>
<h3>
Maths (or numeracy, if you want to be PC about it).</h3>
<div>
At primary school, depending on where you children are at in the curriculum, they could be covering anything from basic addition to multiplying fractions. Leave this stuff to the teachers (you'll be getting homework on it anyway), instead demonstrate to them the wonder of maths by doing the following:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. Ask them what theme park they would like to go to</div>
<div>
2. Ask them to calculate how many boxes of cereal you will need to buy in order for the children to get in for free. Make sure they add on the cost of all the extra stuff you ended up buying from the supermarket because "you were in there anyway".</div>
<div>
3. Take them to the theme park</div>
<div>
4. Ask them to calculate how much it costs per minute, per ride (answer: circa £20 unless you subscribe to the divisive wealth indicator that is a Fast Track pass).</div>
<div>
5. Watch their little faces light up in amazement when you explain to them that even though you bought cereal packets instead of tickets, you still managed to spend £150 on <b>one day out</b>.</div>
<h3>
<br />English (or literacy. Or phonics. Or SPaG. I don't know what the right thing is anymore).</h3>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poo pants. There for all to see..</td></tr>
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<div>
With less focus on writing and honing formal sentence structures, children get far more time to exercise their conversational skills - whether you want to talk to them all day or not. This is great for developing their confidence in communication although you may find yourself having to explain to them that declaring "Dinner is Served" in a loud voice as they exit the toilet is not an 'appropriate' thing to say.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
You may also want to plan any leisurely strolls that you want to take around your neighbourhood with care. I recommend avoiding bus stops, unless you want to find yourself having to explain "all the swears".</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you're interested in the extent of your children's vocabulary, you could also while away some time by playing Hangman, as we did in a restaurant. How smug we felt entertaining our children without devices. How short-lived this was when the waiter noticed the words 'poo pants' written on the pad.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
PE (joyously this is <i>still</i> PE!)</h3>
<div>
The one thing that I *love* about the holidays is that the children get a hell of a lot more outdoor exercise than during an average week at school. The only challenge is that more often than not this exercise needs to be undertaken as a family. Which means negotiation, bribery, arguments, fighting and occasional crying. What begins as a simple bike ride or "just a walk" will morph into an hour of misery but like with all tough work outs, once you've busted through that wall you will find yourselves enjoying a tremendous sense of achievement (and ideally a pint). If you want to avoid the misery, the solution is to go with friends - there is something about the children being around other kids that seems to silence the whining button in a way that offering encouragement / threatening a tech ban / shovelling Haribos into their hands will never do.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you want to ride this route without whining - just add friends :)</td></tr>
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<h3>
Music</h3>
</div>
<div>
As neither of us play an instrument, our ability to influence our children's musical tastes begins and ends with playing what we like. We keep BBC 6 Music on the radio and if we can be arsed to connect up the iPod, they'll hear mostly indie rock, dance and (heavily edited) hip-hop. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
All this counts for nothing however as we have discovered to our great dismay. What the children have decided is all they want to listen to is Heart. Which means that the soundtrack to your holiday will be <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szjaHbjhauk" target="_blank">Shy Guy</a> by Diana King which they seem to play on the hour, every hour. I think Diana puts it best when she says: "Oh lord have mercy, mercy, mercy......"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Your children may also decide to search the iTunes with their friends for <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWaRiD5ym74" target="_blank">Cake by the Ocean</a> by DNCE. Did you know that it's got a version including the word "f*cking"? Neither did I. But now I do. And so do you.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
Sex Education</h3>
<div>
Whether on holiday or not, we all run the risk of being caught 'in flagrante' (unless you're camping, I mean seriously are you really going to attempt it when you're separated by a 'wall' that is the thickness of a high-vis vest?) but on returning to our <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/come-back-to-what-you-know.html" target="_blank">favoured holiday destination</a> this year to discover one of the owners had had a beautiful baby just 7 weeks earlier, our son was most interested to know precisely why he was not going to get a little brother. Couldn't we just "wish for one"? Erm...no.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
RE</h3>
<div>
Whatever the lessons contain at school did not quite prepare the children for the moment when on holiday I walked down to the swimming pool which contained a large group of men, women and children of various ages, yet when I got in to the pool the men and teenage boys had mysteriously all disappeared. I thought for a moment that perhaps I had mistakenly put my costume on back to front (now that <i>would </i>be horrible) but it turned out that we were holidaying at the same place as a family of Orthodox Jews. So there's me and my girl in our speedo cossies and the ladies in their swimming dresses. We stared a bit, smiled a bit, chatted a bit about the temperature of the pool and the weather (we were in Devon, it's The Law) and carried on enjoying our respective swims. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Despite the differences we may have had, I learned that the way you deal with awkward questions is universal. My husband overheard one of the dads telling his son that he had to get out of the pool "<i>because you just have to".</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
This holiday has been one of revelations, of family time, of raised voices, big hugs, memorable moments, boredom, excitement, beautiful days and <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/why-you-should-carry-on-camping.html" target="_blank">torrential rain</a>, late nights and early mornings (why does our boy not understand what a lie-in is!) but above all, it has been an education. I think we're all ready to go back to school. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-74522595996131866132016-08-15T07:32:00.000+01:002016-08-15T07:32:11.044+01:00I Need a Wife - for Kindle!Hello lovelies<br />
<br />
This is just a little update to say that thanks to a few late nights and the power of the Olympics to entertain my children, I Need a Wife is now available for Kindle! It's got chapters, it's got a new ending, it's even got a couple of extra poems.<br />
<br />
To download a copy for £2.99, click here: <a href="http://bit.ly/INeedAWife" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/INeedAWife </a><br />
<br />
Hope you're enjoying your summer, and if you're camping - I wish you luck!<br />
<br />
Toni<br />
xx<br />
<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Like this? Want some of my writing in good old-fashioned print? Head to the Buy the Books page http://bit.ly/1PqRtCf
</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7778794632075565239.post-79746829850811421322016-08-10T20:41:00.004+01:002016-08-13T20:11:55.146+01:00(Why You Should) Carry On CampingSo we went camping again, this time venturing much farther than our usual New Forest haunts to the delights of North Devon. You know, that place where it is <i>guaranteed to rain.</i> <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/come-back-to-what-you-know.html" target="_blank">We go there every year</a> but stay on a farm. In a cottage. Where you do not have to walk across a wet field to go for a wee.<br />
<br />
Under normal circumstances we wouldn't travel so far but lured by friends with whom we knew we could pass time without killing each other we went for it and at first it was lovely. Beautiful sunshine for two days - an actual camping holiday that involved a trip to the beach without wellies - marvellous!<br />
<br />
But then the weather remembered that <b>we</b> were on holiday and so sent 48 hours of rain and sea mist which caused one set of friends to go home because their tent decided to have a complete seam failure and us to have to use our fog lights in August. In fecking August!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yMVgrgkYd8Y/V6uAVDO6oFI/AAAAAAAABvE/104dZHVR7YIaRscFK2NCn03b_sugXsosgCLcB/s1600/WP_20160802_13_59_06_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yMVgrgkYd8Y/V6uAVDO6oFI/AAAAAAAABvE/104dZHVR7YIaRscFK2NCn03b_sugXsosgCLcB/s320/WP_20160802_13_59_06_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Actual August</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
Here's the weird thing though. Despite the shitty weather that made us complete and utter martyrs for the remaining two days of the holiday and caused my husband to have to buy Tesco Trainers because he had done the manly thing of packing 'light' and his one pair of shoes got too wet to wear (that'll learn him...), we had a brilliant time and will do it again. This is because....<br />
<h3>
<br />1. We are friends with people who have a van. And an awning.</h3>
<div>
Our tent has an awning. Oh yes. But it is not attached to a beautiful watertight vehicle that has optics and a dvd player in it. I don't care if you think this is cheating because when your children have trenchfoot and you <b>need </b>peace and quiet, you will wish that you too had friends like these. The children watched Wimpy Kid twice as we drank wine and played cards, which leads me on to....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
2. We rediscovered the joy of Gin Rummy</h3>
<div>
I thought I didn't know this game. Turns out I did - it has the same rules as every other card game: you must forget whose turn it is because you're too busy talking rubbish to keep track, you must accuse one another of cheating and the person who says that "they're no good at this game" will be a complete liar who wins every round. We also rediscovered the joy of shops that cater for people who are trapped in one place and so need things to spend their money on. Things like books about cross-eyed cats and multi-purpose bottle openers with the names of men from the '70s and '80s on.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yaOxFqJZoeU/V6t0384JMrI/AAAAAAAABuo/furkofy_L3o4yvPCw6ol0AgVnkEk36-FQCLcB/s1600/WP_20160801_14_13_26_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yaOxFqJZoeU/V6t0384JMrI/AAAAAAAABuo/furkofy_L3o4yvPCw6ol0AgVnkEk36-FQCLcB/s200/WP_20160801_14_13_26_Pro.jpg" width="112" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a real book.</td></tr>
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</div>
<div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Richard *and* Rick? Such choice!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<h3>
3. We (ok I) completely lost the plot</h3>
<div>
I blame the fact that one of the cards was a Joker used to replace a missing 9 of Clubs which meant that someone had drawn a Club on top of the Joker's head which would have been fine except that the 'Club' looked like a cock and balls. That pretty much set the bar for the conversation which then turned into ways in which to create enormous confusion and chaos when living in a shared house that Vic & Bob would have been proud of involving UV paint, security lights and menacing gnomes. It's been a while since I pulled a 'crying and laughing at the same time' face. It reminded me that I need more nights like that.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
4. We had the absolute best of British entertainment</h3>
<div>
You know when you're in a barn with a bar and soft play area, and a Britain's Got Talent semi-finalist walks in, juggles knives, balances a pub table on his chin and then risks drowning by having a diver's helmet put on his head and filled with water while he tries to escape from chains. All whilst stood in an Angry Birds paddling pool so he doesn't get the floor wet? YES THAT!! We saw <a href="http://www.merlincadogan.com/CV.aspx" target="_blank">Merlin</a>. He's a bloody legend. He's so much of a legend that we saw him twice. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just your average morning in a barn..</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3>
<br />5. We had the absolute best of British entertainment (again)</h3>
<div>
We were planning on taking the kids to Disney at some point and have since changed our mind because we have had all the theme park fun we every need at <a href="http://www.themilkyway.co.uk/" target="_blank">The Milky Way</a>. Why fly for 10 hours to then spend a week of queuing for hours for high tech rides when you can have an 'alien experience' where you are led through the dark by a teenager from Bideford who knows they can't kid you that you're on an 'abandoned alien spacecraft' because <i>everyone</i> knows that you're really in some kind of blacked-out shipping container but your children will still freak out because confined dark spaces are scary. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And why bother with virtual reality rides and Lucas Film / Disney approved 'experiences' when you can see someone's personal collection of Star Wars memorabilia which includes a spooky Luke Skywalker model and Ewok toys <i>still in their packets!</i></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bez Skywalker?</td></tr>
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Our son went on a roller coaster that he has waited five years to go on (yep, we go every year!) and as we watched through the sea mist we could just about see his beaming face as he passed the "are you taller than the red line" test to ride at the very front with his sister. It didn't matter to him where we were - he had made it! </div>
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We watched a falconer who <i>will not let you touch his birds</i> because he is not into pissing off owls but <i>is</i> into getting them to swoop low over your head. We sat right next to one of the perches to get the best view and recited his set with him, enjoying the familiarity of his spiel.</div>
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We saw Merlin (again!) and wondered how much a good sword-juggling escapologist gets paid these days. Whatever it is we suspect it's not enough....</div>
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<br />And so....</h3>
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And so, despite the fact that every time we go camping <a href="http://tonikent.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/the-truth-about-camping.html" target="_blank">we all end up moaning </a>at the weather / our complete inability to pack properly / the incredible noise and lack of sleep that combine to make you feel like you're hallucinating in the mornings / the fact you have to put the bloody tent up when you get home in order to dry it out because Britain is not the South of France.....we're going to go again. If you're teetering on the brink of giving up too, give it just one more try - let's Carry on Camping!</div>
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</div>tonijkenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02841705368491727072noreply@blogger.com2