What to expect once your dog's been neutered

There comes a point in most pet-owners lives when the topic of neutering comes up. If you have a dog, this comes the moment you first set foot out the door on your new puppy's first walk. Passers by will coo at your pup before launching into the following standard questions:

* What breed is it?
* Is it a boy or a girl?
* How old is it?
* When are you going to have it neutered?

This exchange made me query the assertion that "Having a dog is like having a baby" because whilst, yes, the first three questions are often trotted out when you're out with your baby, that final one is definitely not something you should ask a new parent.

Anyhow, we took the decision to have our Vizsla, boy, 18 month old dog 'done' on account of the fact that we didn't plan to breed from him and certainly didn't want the singularly terrifying spectacle of our dog getting stuck inside a lady dog. Especially as we never go on a walk with a bucket of cold water which is what I seem to remember you have to use to separate animals that are locked together.

So we booked the boy in and after a few hours at the vets he was ready to be collected and brought home. We were told that in no uncertain terms was he allowed to get at his stitches and to keep him as quiet as possible which is a big ask of a dog that likes to run several miles a day. Now, the question that most people ask after a dog is castrated is "Has it calmed him down?" but before we even get to that, you ought to know what can happen immediately after the operation:

Your dog will make it his life's work to get at his 'wound'

Never mind trying to lick non-existent balls, what he wants to do is get that dressing off because it is sticky and probably a bit itchy. A Buster Collar or 'Cone of Shame' will work in some instances but you may also find that it makes your dog stand stock still in the middle of the living room panting and whining for hours. Which will make you feel bad and so you will buy an inflatable collar instead.

The only issue with the inflatable collar is that if your dog, like my dog, has a long neck, then he's going to bend it gracefully and give himself a good licking. You will wake up one morning to find that the dressing has disappeared and quite possibly been eaten. You will think he may also have eaten his stitches and made the wound worse which will cause you to photograph your dog's genitals on your phone to send to the vets (and thank your lucky stars that you don't sync your photos to the cloud). The vet's response will be "You need to come in for another dressing." 

Whilst explaining your situation to the vets they may say to you "Hey, why don't you try a dog babygro? They're only £30.00". You will think that this is a small price to pay for getting a night's sleep but when you put it on your dog you may find that the shape of your dog means that whilst the fit is perfect across the chest and makes your dog look like he should be on Muscle Beach, the back will be baggy, leaving his nether regions exposed to fresh air. And his tongue. The way around this issue is to bunch the back up into a kind of 'top knot' which you will then secure with a hairband thus making the fit at chest and hips very nice indeed.

As nice as it looks, your dog may decided that he does not want to wear an inflatable collar and a babygro and will rub himself vigorously along the outside of your house so that he puts holes in every item of protective clothing that you have shoehorned him into. That said there is something satisfying about another species discovering the complexity and discomfort of clothing with poppers.

What happens next is that you will discover there is a reason people say that dogs are intelligent because do you know what your dog can do? Not only can he extend his graceful neck, he can also figure out how to hitch his hind leg into the babygro which will stretch it enough that he can get right in there and make another dressing disappear.

Eventually, after several more dressings your dog will finally, finally, be allowed to resume his normal activities. And then this will happen:

Your dog will injure himself

Because your dog has been on restricted walks for around two weeks he is going to go absolutely batshit the minute you decide that he's ok to go on an off-lead walk. This will involve him catching a dew claw which will bleed quite a lot. But this is not as bad as you initially anticipated and it will fall off, healing up rather nicely on its own meaning that you can resume your walks and runs because frankly you could do with the exercise too given that you've tripled your calories in the run up to Christmas. But it turns out that you've been a little too confident because:

Your dog will injure himself. Again 

This your dog will save for a peaceful Sunday morning when you have enjoyed reading the papers. And when it costs more than you even want to think about to visit the vets. He will come in all happy and waggy from a lovely long walk in the countryside and as he makes his way across the kitchen floor you'll think "Oh, the dog's paw is bleeding." After letting the dog settle because it might be a little cut in his pad, he'll trot up to you and leave some puddles of blood on the floor which he will then proceed to lick up (at least he tried to be tidy about it). Closer inspection will reveal that it's a rather large cut indeed. That will need general anaesthetic and stitches. And no walks for 10 days. And a dressing that he will want to bite off. In fact will bite off.

This removal of the dressing will necessitate a quick fix involving a sanitary towel, some vet bandages and a rubber glove before another visit to the vets for a proper dressing. And a new buster collar which miraculously he will tolerate this time. You will think this is amazing because it means that you can leave the house without fear of him taking off his dressing and re-opening the wound.

So you will go ahead with a lovely lunch you have planned with your husband where you will want to drum your feet on the floor because the food is so delicious and you'll have grown up conversation and some decent wine. And you'll get home all happy and giggly to discover that because of the magical buster collar the dog couldn't see where his water bowl was and instead of putting his face into it to have a nice drink he'll have put his bloody foot in it. Which means you have to go back to the vets for the second dressing in the space of a day. And sleep with your dog overnight because you're petrified that he'll figure out how to get around the buster collar which means that he will lie on your chest and place his cone head directly on yours creating an extremely uncomfortable, sweaty sleeping arrangement.

I don't know what happens next except that we are booked in again on Monday for another review. We'll see if he can keep his dressing on / clean / dry until then. So, to return to the initial question of "Does castration calm your dog down?", I'll have to come back to you on the answer.

Dog Walkin' Blues

I went on a dog walk

And mis-judged my clothes
I got soaked to my knickers
I got soaked to my toes
My trousers are clinging
Where they ain't s'posed to cling
What part of me is dry?
Not a god damn thing

'Cos I got the
Dog, dog, dog, walkin' blues
If you want cold feet
Take a walk in my shoes

Got back from my dog walk

Stripped off in the hall
I went to wipe the dog down
He wiped himself down the wall
Now I'm stood in my undies
And thinking what the hell
Am I supposed to do about
That wet dog smell?

'Cos I got the

Dog, dog, dog, walkin' blues
If you want cold feet
Take a walk in my shoes

I went to the bathroom

To get myself dry
Took a look in the mirror
And I wanted to cry
At the start of the morning
I was looking alright 
Now I look like Alice Cooper
And it's given me a fright

'Cos I got the

Dog, dog, dog, walkin' blues
If you want cold feet
Take a walk in my shoes

Now I'm sat here all cosy

Dry jeans on my ass
Cup of Joe on the go now
A bit of time to pass
Feel my day has got better
Right up until when
The dog looks at me like
He wants to go out again

'Cos I got the

Dog, dog, dog, walkin' blues
If you want cold feet
Take a walk in my (soakin' wet, son of a gun) shoes.......

Doggy Style

What do you do when your life has got a bit simpler?  You know, when the kids are able to take care of most things themselves and you feel like you have established some semblance of a routine.  You get a dog, that's what you do. 

Well...you try to get a dog.  We tried to do the right thing and go down the Dog's Trust route only to be met with a sea of cute little doggy faces, each above the legend that read "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 16".  So we bought a puppy and almost a year on from that fateful day I thought I'd share with you a few observations so far......

Having a dog does terrible things to your wardrobe

You see the woman in that picture?  That's me.  On holiday.  That's what my holiday photos now look like: waterproof coat that packs into its own pocket.  Waterproof trousers that have an elasticated waist and no pockets so you can't actually get at anything.  Walking boots - WALKING BOOTS!  I put this on and thought "oh my christ, is this actually my life?".  Even the dog is staring at me as if to ask "Are you really going out dressed like that?".

Having a dog does terrible things to your wardrobe - part 2

You see the woman in that picture?  That is also me.  In it, I am wearing a coat that I liked very much.  It is from North Face and is extremely warm.  It has now become my "Dog Coat" and sports a stain that I cannot figure out but which makes me look like I have been lactating.  It could be from the last time that the dog had his worming treatment at the vets and then rubbed himself all over my jacket...

You may also notice that I look tired in the picture.  Having a dog makes you tired.  Especially when you get a dog that needs a lot of exercise.  Or one that wakes up early in the morning.  Or one that does both.

Having a dog does terrible things to your house

You know those big plastic tub/bucket things everyone has - useful for transporting garden rubbish / filling with kids toys / filling with ice & beer (hurry up summer!) - well they're also very good for putting in massive holes that your dog has dug in the garden.  He has stopped digging but we are yet to fix his landscaping.  I fear that we've left it too long and it's now become a 'feature'.

Our hallway - when not bearing muddy paw prints - looks like Depeche Mode have dropped round for tea.  It contains a variety of leads, collars and harnesses.  Let me tell you a little bit about them:

• The classic harness - sports a 'handle' so that you can grab your dog as you vainly try to get him back on the lead.
• The Halti harness - claims to "stop pulling instantly" - does it f**k.  My dog could use it to pull a car up the road in a World's Strongest Man competition.
• The 'Gentle Leader' face harness - also claims to "stop pulling instantly".  It actually does.  What it doesn't tell you is that it will cause your dog to every now and then stop and rub its face along the ground in an attempt to get the thing off.  
• Normal lead - padded grip - nice :) Now held together with gaffer tape because it got caught on the velcro of my Dog Coat and all the stitches started to come out.
• Halti training lead - longer than a normal lead.  Bloody uncomfortable.  Takes a layer of skin off your hand if your dog pulls.
• Extendable lead - never, ever allow your dog to say hello to another dog on an extendable lead.  You will end up in some kind of Twister manoeuvre with the other owner.

The stairs is a mixed bag.  We are back to having a stair gate.  I have been very earnestly informed that "it's entirely possible to train your dog not to go upstairs, don't you know" but after spending five weeks trying to combine working from home with instructing a dog that he may not go upstairs, I found the five minute installation of a stair gate the equivalent of a magic wand.  Also, nobody leaves their shit on the stairs anymore because the gate seems to act like a magical force field - double result!

But why am I telling you any of this?  Because if you are going to get a dog you need to know that:

Having a dog does terrible things to your bank balance

I have considered asking my customers to pay me in Pets at Home vouchers.  Toys last two days, food lasts two minutes, leads need replacing and pet insurance is the one insurance that you will without a doubt need to use.  You will need to buy terrible clothes to walk the dog in and a grille to keep your dog safe in the car oh and a crate that your dog will refuse to sleep in past the age of 4 months and a rug to replace the one that he chewed a hole in when he was a tiny pup.  You may also like to spend money on dog training which will be by turns enlightening and maddening - some lessons you will come away from feeling smug and others you will leaving feeling like a twat.

And just when you get to the point when you think "why the bloody hell did we do this?" - this happens and you realise that for all the terrible clothes, terrible marks to the house and the terrible impact to your bank balance, they're completely and utterly worth it :)

Soundtrack: Doggystyle - Snoop Dogg

Like this?  You might also like this poem: Get a Dog

Get a Dog

If you like to carry poo bags, get a dog
If you don't care about dog hair, get a dog
If you don't mind dirty paws
Leaving track marks on your floors
Then I think that you are ready for a dog

If you want to lose your slipper, get a dog
If you like socks that are shredded, get a dog
If you're absolutely fine
Being woken with a whine
It's about time that you thought about a dog

If you like your lawn with holes in, get a dog
If you don't care much for lie-ins get a dog
If your idea of a lark
Is to be dragged round a park
Then you better go out shopping for a dog

If you like meals interrupted, get a dog
If you want to share your sofa, get a dog
If you like your skirting chewed
And to have to hide your food
You definitely ought to get a dog

If you want to walk in rain storms, get a dog
If you like a bit of slobber, get a dog
If you'd like your kids to shout
"Look, his willy's hanging out!"
Get a dog, get a dog, GET A DOG!

If I Could Talk to the Animals

I was out running today near some gallops when I saw a couple of racehorses being exercised.  They were trotting up the bridle way towards me so I stood to one side until they passed.  "Thank you", called out one of the stable hands, "it's good to meet someone who understands horses".  Truth is I only know to stop running because I once got shouted at for not slowing down.  It has since been explained to me that racehorses are very excitable and nervy and running at them in a hi-vis jacket is ill-advised as they might just decide to throw their rider and trample you to death.  

"I'm sorry, I simply don't understand you" source telegraph.co.uk

My track record with animals is a pretty poor one as it goes and it started from a young age.  It began with an incident with a red-setter called 'Rusty' who I thought had the most beautiful tail.  I decided to stroke it and was alarmed to discover that instead of enjoying the feel of its silky red hair, I got a hand full of poo.  My failure to understand Rusty's body language meant that I had stroked him while he was "going for a crouch" as my friend explained through tears of laughter.

A few years after that I went to stay with a family in France that included a trip to a big country pile owned by the grandmother.  After eating a lovely stew of 'lapin' which I enjoyed until I figured out what the translation for 'lapin' was, and after the family had enjoyed laughing at my horror of eating rabbit (something that has since been overcome), I decided to explore the house and found myself in a dusty old room, with what I thought was a lovely, fluffy, friendly pussycat.  How wrong I was.  So bad was my French that evidently my attempt at "here kitty, kitty", translated into something extremely offensive and so it launched itself at me until I found myself cornered.  I stood there shaking as the cat contented itself with hissing at me with its back arched until one of the (still laughing) family opened the door.

There have been bites from ponies and puppies, a knock on the shoulder from a horse, scratches from kittens and my own cat emptying its guts on my feet when I picked it up because it was making a weird noise.  And of course the time when a not-yet-fully-trained Collie called Billy decided it was going to ignore its owners calls to "come back" and my hopeful utterance of "be a good boy" and bite me on the arse.  As a result my body language around animals is shot (and I am up to date with my Tetanus shots).  I do try to get it right and adopt a confident tone but the animals know and see it as their sport to alarm me.

So when near the end of my run a lady approached with a big dog on a lead that was straining at the bit to get near me, I called out "Is my running upsetting him?", she replied "Oh no, don't worry, this one's stupid, just ignore him."  And in there was my moment of clarity - I need to drop the Doolittle - although if someone could give me the pigeon for "stop sh*tting on my car, I'd be very grateful, me and those birds need to have words.

Soundtrack: If I Could Talk to the Animals - Bobby Darin

You Down with OPP?

Despite a career in tech I'm a massive laggard when it comes to all things computing. It wasn't until 2011 that I joined facebook and predictably it is now one of my favourite things for keeping in touch with friends and family that time or distance prevent me from spending as much time with as I'd like to.  Scratch that, it's probably my favourite way of keeping in touch with almost everyone apart from a good face to face chat.  Preferably with wine involved (and there's plenty of that on facebook - by 5pm on a Friday every status I see involves having, or wishing to have a drink).

I knew on joining facebook there would be friends that post their every waking moment, those that dip in and out and those that are rarely there.  They might not be there at the same time or for the same reason but the thing they all do is post photos. Endless photos.  Photos of birthdays, holidays, 'we went to the park' days.  They document christenings, Christmas, 'christ I was a drunk-mess'.  The ability to share so much of your life with so many people without looking like a crazy-lady showing off the family album at a bus-stop (even if it isn't too far removed) is a most tantalising thing.

What I hadn't anticipated was to be on facebook you have to be ok with 'Other People's Pets' (you see, not the OPP you might have been thinking of you naughties!)  The amount of pet-based posting that goes on stunned me initially.  There's reams of it.  Streams of it.  Pages and pages dedicated to it.  There isn't a moment when my timeline doesn't have a photo or comment about someone's puppy or kitten.  And if it isn't their own they're posting a link to a photo or video of an animal that has amused them.  At this very moment I can see an image of Robert Downey Jnr's head on a cat's body...  Unexpected, and of 'niche' appeal but it's there and I have seen it.  And now, so can you.

Some friends profile pictures have morphed into pictures of their pets and in one instance my friend's pet has her own page.  Her own page AND 31 FRIENDS!  If ever proof were needed that the British are soft about animals this is a classic case in point and I rather like it.  But I did feel a bit left out.

We had come to the conclusion that we would be a 'pet free' family after being scarred by the experience of a cat that made regular and vigourous dirty protests after our children were born (turns out she was more of a 'prefers to be fussed by a kindly old lady' than 'kept awake / on high alert by children' feline).  Our village has more puppies than pushchairs so whether I am at the school gate or on-line I am never more than a minute away from a loopy Labrador or a charming King Charles but we resolved to stay firm, our house is not ready for a pup that will eat its way through our furniture.  Even if they do look at you with adoring eyes or give you a level of obedience that your children never will we are not getting a dog.  Yet.  

But we have caved, just a little bit.  Because children don't forget when you make them a promise years before that you will bring something small and fluffy into the house for them to love.  So now a corner of our garden is given over to four very funny, slightly naughty, fabulous egg producing hens.  Within the space of two hours I had gone from 'meh' to 'mine' and.....posted their picture on facebook.  

As unimportant as it no doubt is, there are times when it feels vital to observe an animal to improve the quality of your day.  I hope I can now return the favour to my friends who have lifted my spirits with pictures of their furry-faced companions.  Even if they do have Robert Downey Jnr's face superimposed on them......


PS:  If you're interested to know quite how important animals are to the Internet age, might I suggest you watch this video

Soundtrack: O.P.P. - Naughty by Nature - definitely not about pets.