IT's (Still) Different for Girls

Of all the things we tell our young people about careers, I don't think we put "You'll make lifelong friends" anywhere near the top of the list.

We say it a LOT about university. A world that is now opening up to me with one child in sixth form and the other one having gone off into the world of work. Not that either of my kids wanted / want to go to uni. One found the sixth form experience so awful they couldn't wait to see the back of education and the other is keen to make money and avoid the potential punishment that is repaying a massive loan. 

The school, meanwhile, had other ideas, so hellbent is it on maintaining a position of being seen as a 'Good' school (by which I don't mean OFSTED Good, I mean moneyed parents choosing it as a less expensive but socially acceptable state-school option after the absolute kidney punching that is private secondary education 'good'). 

But I digress - and I want to be even-handed. Uni is - for many - an awesome choice. For my friends with children at uni, and off the back of a night out me and a friend had with my daughter and her daughter when we went to visit the latter at Nottingham University, it most certainly offers PRIME opportunities for making friends for life in new and exciting (and old-school raucous) ways.

Anyway, let's put that wild memory aside and return to the topic in hand: finding friendship as a woman in the world of work. It's something I reflected on 12 years ago in this post about the challenges I faced as a woman in IT. The post features a photo of me with some friends I'd made in one of my early tech jobs. Friends who I still spend time with today. Friends who 25 years on from when we first met are still among the first women I'd choose to spend time with and to whom I turn when times are hard.

The post in question performed marvellously. It resonated vividly with women in a similar position and made a man get publicly upset with me on LinkedIn which I think means it must have really been on the money. I wonder if I'll get the same reaction again....

And what of the 12 intervening years? What's it been like for us since then? The women in the photograph, myself included, have all gone on to develop their careers and experiences which have taking them into a range of more senior, seasoned, visible roles. Those 12 years have been power years of putting our skills, networks and talents into action. 12 years during which we have grown not only as individuals, but grown our families. Raised children to the point some are now leaving home.

Today we operate at EMEA and Global level and are trusted with some pretty serious stuff. We are Board members, business leaders, budget holders. One of us is an MBE and then there's me! In the 13 years since I went solo, I have written more thought leadership pieces for senior tech leaders than I can tell you about, fronted some pretty niche webinars for some of the biggest tech brands in the world and stood on stages delivering keynotes for their women in business and social mobility networks. I am simultaneously in front and behind the camera or screen, off to the side but still very much part of the IT community. Both visible (as my children will attest when they realised their friends had googled my profile) and invisible (for all that I publicly put online, there's a ton of webinars that will only ever be seen by CIOs and solution architects in certain sectors - told you they were niche!).

And what are the challenges that face us now? 

• We have made our way up despite being passed over and made passes at by men who should know better 
• We've shouldered substantial workloads alongside serious responsibilities 
• Dealt with death and divorce and decisions involving elderly relatives 
• Sorted budgets whilst selling houses and surveying care providers 
• Managed meetings alongside mile after mile of pick up and drop off and parents evenings 
• Been seen as simultaneously at work and available for every last whim of every family member whether we like it or not because we are 'the woman' and so must be there for all of the emotions all of the time.

We are heavy with the weight of high expectations around maintenance and appearance and being agreeable and adaptable and aging whilst looking ageless and OH MY GOD!

So no wonder I felt like I'd absolutely lost my mind earlier this year.

No wonder my family felt like they needed to tell me that I was acting strangely after I lost my shit at the dinner table.

And thank goodness I knew I could drop a line to my friends that I'd made all those years ago to tell them what happened and ask them a question without fear of judgement: 

"Do you think that I might need to go to the doctor?" 

We don't get to ask questions like that of everyone. Sometimes we don't even get to the point where we feel like we can ask - so quick are we to turn on ourselves at any given moment with an internal voice that says:

"What if I'm just being selfish? I mean, look at what I've got here, why don't I just get over it? Other people have it harder, isn't this just being self-indulgent? Other people don't want to know this - why can't I just sort it out myself?"

Well, I'd tried that. Done all the 'walks-in-nature-hug-the-dog-breathe-deeper-smile-at-your-children-keep-a-gratitude-journal-run-walk-swim-spa-detox-don't-sweat-the-small-stuff' and it didn't work.

So I messaged my friends. And they said.

"Go to the doctor" 

"This happened to me too" 

"You are not going mad"

"It's going to be ok"

"OMG you need to ask for HRT - NOW!"

And I took that last line seriously and did what my friend said. 

And it WORKED.

And it's not just down to the appointment I eventually made. It's down to those friends. Those women I met when we were all little more than 21, all full of fun and excitement and big plans and bold ambitions and oh. so. hot! 

Without them my life would have worked out a little different. They formed a template for friendship and we've held hands all the way. We all have other friendship circles too. Groups we've become part of as mothers, neighbours or shared interests. But this group endures. And it started in IT.

IT is (still) different for girls. But for the girls that are in it, were in it, thinking about joining it, it's oh so much more the richer because of the other girls and women you will meet. Stick at it, stay in it, there's a place for you in IT.

Like this? Tell a friend - god knows we all need one :)

Love

Toni 

xx

25 years on....still going strong!