I've been thinking a lot about community recently. What is it? And what does it actually mean?
In the corporate spaces I've worked in, and spoken at, there's often emphasis on community and belonging to the extent that 'Belonging' appears in job titles - LinkedIn contains hundreds of profiles where this is the case. Some organisations, it would seem, want employees to feel like they're one big family. But is that what employers - and the people who work for them - really want? For lots of people, family life isn't one big Werther's Originals ad - it can just as easily be about fights at weddings and arguments at funerals. Of permanent estrangements and the relative that "no-one talks about".
If organisations really want to foster a sense of 'community' are they ready to accept it in all of its forms? If they want people to feel like they 'belong', are they ready to provide an environment that is more akin to their actual background vs the corporate image they want to portray to shareholders and customers? And if not, how can they provide support for disadvantaged communities in a way that meets their social impact commitments, is not patronising and is delivered in good faith?
When I left home aged 19 and for good, I left behind my family and my sense of community. For the first year or so I was back every weekend. Keeping in contact with friends and spending time with my younger siblings. I was on first name terms with the barman at the pub, the owners of the newsagents and the women who worked at the local Co-op. I knew my mum's neighbours and where my friends' parents lived. A short walk to the precinct to fetch some milk would mean bumping into someone who'd say; "How's it going in Reading? Does your brother still do such-and-such? How's your mum?".
Growing up in a place and at a time where university wasn't considered even for some of the brightest of us, people didn't venture too far from home unless they joined the Army. Home was 'where the heart is'. Where people walked in through the back door and smoked cigarettes around the kitchen table. Where they had time to listen to your problems and knew someone who could lend you a fiver or give you a loaf of bread. Home was where people put up with all sorts of behaviours, said exactly what they thought and didn't turn their backs on one another if someone had to spend some time 'inside'. It was where the one who had 'done good' was still expected to turn up and not turn their nose up at family occasions. Where it was expected that you would top up the electric and settle the tab.
And the longer you're away the harder it gets. For both sides. On the one hand you've left the struggle behind and want to help when you can. On the other, people "don't want your handouts" and resent it feeling like they have to "get the bloody flags out" when you visit. Neither side can talk about their finances without it feeling awkward. You are the same blood and yet different people. They're too loud and you're no fun. Corporate life polished your rough edges smoother than the granite worktop on your kitchen island and rubbed out part of who you were. The part that is proper unpalatable in polite company but sometimes still makes an appearance which confuses the hell out of your social circle. Where do you even belong?!
It's a strange feeling to purposely and pointedly step away. To know that you're needed but that to stay would be a mistake. To feel that pull to a different horizon. Distance brings nostalgia and no matter how embedded you find yourself in another city or a different town years down the line, nothing brings quite the same visceral kick that is evoked by an image of the top deck of a bus in 1985. Or finding the family photograph where where the wallpaper is ripped and Christmas cards are pinned to the wall.
When I feel like this, I'm reminded of a saying that I love: "Learning from, not longing for, the past". It reminds me that those rose tinted spectacles aren't always helpful. That we can look back with kindness and fondness but also take time to make sure we're living in the present moment and to not flagellate ourselves for getting to the point that we wanted to achieve. It's helpful too in the context of thinking about the work I do, and conversations I have, in the social mobility space. It can be - as I once found when in conversation with a mum who was struggling as my mum used to - unhelpful and patronising for someone who is clearly better off than you to attempt to find common ground. Who can offer supportive words but not practical help. Who can be an advocate when what you need is a friend. Being 'well-meaning' doesn't mean your words of actions are going to be well-received.
So where does this leave things? For me at least it's in doing the bits that I'm good at (entertaining people, being honest about my experiences, finding connection with people in corporates who have been through what I've been through) and using the skills I have to celebrate and showcase the efforts of those who are doing the real grass-roots work. Who are putting funding, assets and resources into the hands of those communities. Who are the communities. There is too much that is conditional, score=carded, well-intended but ill thought out. If I learned one thing from my mum it's that being told what to do, judged and monitored by people in positions of power when you are in a position of need does nothing for your sense of worth. I lived that in my corporate life which is the deal we make when we're incredibly well paid but on a personal level? No thanks.
Let's end this on a cheerful note - in fact, how about two? Firstly, I'm going to encourage you to check out The Common Good Network. It's a directory and map that I've made which showcases the organisations, large and small, who are working to help people overcome financial barriers to opportunities. In particular I want to shout out the grass-roots and community-based organisations which you'll find here: Community and Place-Based - The Common Good
Secondly - well, this is a treat! It's the inspiration of the title behind this post, the 'People in Your Neighbourhood' song from Sesame Street. A walloping dollop of feel-good fun that celebrates community and I hope you'll enjoy:
https://youtu.be/V2bbnlZwlGQ?si=tLiQRuFh4jRPsgV7
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Enjoy this? Interested in booking me to speak or to write an article for you? Ping me via this form: Contact - Toni Kent – Speaker, Writer and Stand Up
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| Someone, somewhere is going to feel nostalgic looking at this :) |
