Friday, 11 April 2014

Wee Rule

After signing up to do the Moonwalk with a group of girls in the village, I received a pack which went into a huge amount of detail on how to keep yourself safe from the rest of the human race (which was slightly alarming, I was hoping for something a little more "yay! go you!" than "avoid quiet pathways...lined with bushes where someone could be hiding") provided lots of encouragement to spend money on branded kit, and contained a plan on how to get yourself to the required level of fitness to walk a marathon in the middle of London, in the middle of the night.  

What it didn't cover was something so crucially important that it was the first question that was raised when we got together to discuss the training - where are you supposed to wee?  You may laugh, mock even, but when you're being encouraged to be out walking for four hours at a time, whilst drinking enough water to remain 'well hydrated', it's likely nature will come calling.

Thing is, the rules for weeing as a girl or woman changes as you age, so which one was going to be right?  

Ages 3-5: Outdoor weeing is facilitated by a red-faced parent trying frantically to brace themselves to adequately support your weight whilst trying not to let your wee go all over their shoes.  Indoor weeing involves being shouted at by your parent not to "lock the door, touch the seat, or 'that blue bin'" and to "make sure you wipe your bum!"

Ages 6-10: Attempts at weeing outdoors 'like a boy' will most certainly result in hilarity and wet shoes.  Attempts at squatting range from the successful 'shake-off' to managing to wet your knickers, legs, skirt and shoes.  Indoor weeing becomes a no brainer.

Ages 11-15: You wouldn't be caught dead weeing outside.  Hold it in and pray no-one makes you laugh.  Indoor weeing may begin to require a friend to go with you so you can have a chat (yes gents *this* is where that comes from!).

Ages 16-21: Depending on location, situation and beverages available you may be found disgracing yourself by weeing in a shop doorway / on a train station concourse / on the toilet floor.  This may also be accompanied by wild laughter / manic crying / the encouragement of your friends.

This is lovely, but where's the sign for the toilets?
22 - onwards:  Hopefully you have enough control of both your behaviour and bladder that the art of weeing does not occupy too much of your mind beyond being a natural bodily function.  Unless you're at a festival, in which case you have the opportunity to develop the thighs of a skiier thanks to the position you must assume to avoid coming into contact with anything inside a portaloo.  To avoid this experience, I did once try a 'She-Wee' - what an evil little piece of origami it was.  I wee-d on my hands, and decided to return to the 'downhill skier' pose.  Far better to feel pain shoot down your thighs than wee run down your jeans.

Then you have children, and the whole bloody circus starts again as your life revolves around someone else's pee and poop when all you wish for is the opportunity to go to the toilet in peace. Just once.  Pleeeease.

But back to those rules, well luckily we are training in the countryside which does offer relative seclusion and privacy, so should nature decide that it cannot be ignored we can re-visit the struggle and hilarity of our childhood, just with the added complication of lycra and a different centre of gravity.  This works out great for our training walks but I just don't know how well that's going to go down on a London pavement - better check the rules...

Soundtrack:  Wee Rule - Wee Papa Girl Rappers

No comments:

Post a Comment