The Tandem

Ten minutes after this photo was taken
I wasn't smiling quite so much.....

"Let's ride a tandem" my husband said
Planting a seed inside my head
Of a romantic gesture, built for two
"I'll ride up front, and chauffeur you"

I thought it was a marvelous treat
Until ten minutes spent in the seat
Revealed that the tandem we had on loan
Had a back seat that was made of stone

And whilst the pace was easy to keep
My nether regions fell straight to sleep
"Please can we stop" I found myself sobbing
My legs were fine but my noony was throbbing!

We dismounted: and this feels hard to explain
But along with standing like John Wayne
Came a pins & needles fizzing sensation
That made me lose my concentration

Back on the bike and I can vouch
I said something a lot stronger than "ouch"
It felt like a brick was beneath my smalls
I held in a scream and wished I had balls

The man at the bike shop said "How was your ride?"
As I hobbled, wobbled and staggered inside
"My bits really hurt" I said with a choke
"I see why", he replied, "that seat's meant for a bloke!"

Errant Fly

*Burp*

Errant fly
I don't know why
You zoomed into my mouth as I was running
Was it a premeditated act of cunning?

Or did my ill-timed intake of breath...
Draw you, buzzing, to your death?
And as you travelled towards my gut
I think we both wished, I'd kept my mouth shut.

Bush Issues

You know how it is 
When you want to go for a swim
You look down below....
and the bush needs a trim

You think to yourself
Would this look ok?
If I tucked it all in ...
Or would hair start to stray

With each movement I made
To get into the pool
If I put on some board shorts
Do you think I could fool

The hirsute swimmer's friend

Other swimmers in thinking
I was a surf chick?
If I had a quick shave
There's a risk I might nick
That delicate skin
And come out in a rash
And I'd rather have hair
Than spots round my gash

If pull down the front
Do you think it might hide 
My topiary? But if I go down the slide....
It will ride up and show I'm too busy relaxing
Than to spend my time plucking and shaving and waxing

And then I see blokes
With their big hairy guts
All covered in pubes from their throats to their nuts
Who don't need to be shaved
Yet when it comes to my bits
They must be so carefully managed 
And it's....

Very unfair and a little bit weird
That my foof must be covered
But not a man's beard!

The filter gets clogged
With the hair from their backs
The pool would be cleaner
If men all got waxed!

Stinging Nettles

Nature: out to get you

Overgrown stinging nettles
You have no fragrant smell or petals
All you are is bouquet of pins
Pricking my ankles and hurting my shins

The reddened bumps begin to rise...
And then you sting me on my thighs
How is it that you have mastered
Getting through clothes? You spiteful bastard!

I'll have to change my running loop
Or turn you into nettle soup

You Should Be Dancing

In a bid to stop my bottom pooling (see my last post for more on that), I make time to exercise. Usually it's running but I've been searching for some variety and given I live miles from a gym, and my bike was purchased 16 years ago and is heavier than the shed it is stored in, I was at a bit of a loss. Until something happened in my household ten years after the rest of the Western world:

We bought a Wii

I'm not sure why it took quite so long - we had one of the first Xbox's which was a mixed blessing: on the plus side it was free because Microsoft was feeling generous (result!) but the downside was I had to endure hour upon hour of Mr K playing Final Fantasy to the point where I can still recall the music from the fight sequences...

Oh yes, now I remember why it took so long; we moved house, and then I got pregnant by which point I was not hormonally in the mood for video games that went on for five hours. It didn't even get unpacked.

The Victorian Years

For those of you that are on here regularly, you'll know I'm a bit 'Victorian' when it comes to letting tech within three feet of my children (and Mr K and I are still resolved that they won't get their own tech until they're ooh at least twenty five - haha!) but we have acquiesced with a console that has a reputation as being family friendly and encouraging activity. And oh what a successful eBay purchase it was!

Game on

Not only was it a great purchase for all of the high energy, wrist-wrenching sports games included, but also because it came with Just Dance 3. During a six song dance-off with my daughter I discovered a new way to workout that fulfilled my need for something that was nearby, high-energy and good fun.

House of a thousand dances

With songs that range from 80's classics (A-ha's 'Take On Me') to the frankly bizarre (Sentai Express' 'Spectronizer' which I think is a tribute to Power Rangers) I've already clocked up some impressively average scores with my impressively terrible dancing which reached new heights as I attempted to jig along to Wilson Pickett's 'Land of a Thousand Dances'. I danced, I sweated, I had fun and my body ached like billy-o the next day.

So if, like me, you work from home or if you just fancy a new way to work out - don't bother with the bike and resist that run - get your dance face on and do the mashed potato in your living room instead.

 

Soundtrack: You Should Be Dancing - by Bee Gees

 

Like this?  Buy the book!