Wednesday, 23 December 2015

The Panto

If you're a lover of colourful language
If you're in awe of the double entendre
If you're mad about men wearing make-up
And you're wild about waving a wand

Then you need a seat at the panto
Where the sexiest woman's a man
Where the lead boy is often a lady
But be careful if you take your gran....

Every other line is innuendo
Every innocent item is rude
Cream horns and big baps are now filthy
Stick it in dear, we love when it's lewd!

The best lines belong to the animals
The best legs belong to the dame
And there's always an actor who makes you think
"What a minute - is that whatsisname?"

There'll be singing and shouting a plenty
Costume changes and a set piece or two
And if there's only one thing you remember
When you see the bad guy, you must BOOOOOOOOOOOOO


This poem was is dedicated to the Corn Exchange Newbury, and in particular the cast of Dick Whittington - panto at its best! 

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

A Christmas Warning

Merry Christmas everyone!
At Christmas, enter my house at your peril
The rooms are all bomb sites, the children are feral

New guests arrive as the last are departing
Our brains are in a funk, and everyone's farting

Days pass in a haze, we slump and we list
We're fed up of Twister and being half-pissed

Last week we were lively, fresh faced and perky
Now our skin's gone to pot, and our insides are turkey

The mere thought of port makes me want to heave
I won't touch a drop, til at least New Year's Eve

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Why Christmas Cards Matter

It was always Aunty Janet who was first.  Sometimes her card would arrive at the end of November; spaced out letters carefully indicating our address.  That award has now been passed on to Aunty Margaret - 1st of December her card popped through the door, beginning what is one of my favourite traditions: the sending of the Christmas cards.

Ah - the mark of the left-hander
Card writing is more fraught for us left-handers - pens must be chosen carefully or else our thoughtful missives become streaked with the mark of those born 'cack-handed' - but I truly enjoy those couple of hours that I spend thinking of each person as I write out their card.  Remembering their children's names; the laughs we have had; how our lives have changed since the last time that we saw each other.

There are those that think Christmas cards are a waste of time, those who think they are a waste of money and those who (like my uncle) are extremely vexed if the card contains no more than a "Merry Christmas".  As he so succinctly puts it "why bother to send a card all the way to Australia if you're not prepared to bloody well write something proper in it?".

My father-in-law pens a couple of sentences to each of the grandchildren in their Christmas and birthday cards which convey an entire story related to the picture on the front of the card.  His handwriting is expressive and lyrical and what he writes makes me so happy for the children that I am doubly glad I am married to his son - those cards go in the box marked 'keep forever'.

Only one person I know writes like this..
We all want to make our mark in the world and one of the easiest ways to do it is by putting pen to paper.  To show someone we've thought of them, to take the time out to do so.  Using a groovy font on an email is no substitute for the individual loop of your letters, no replacement for the joy that is your glad tidings written on something that is real.

Hmmmm - 'arty'
One of the cards that arrived for me today made me squeal with excitement as I could tell it was Laura from the envelope.  There is absolutely no mistaking her handwriting and it reminded me of all those teenage years that we spent scrawling Prince lyrics on her bedroom walls and trying to pose 'artfully' with unlit cigarettes hanging out of our mouths (whilst we were rebellious - we weren't stupid enough to smoke when her dad was home....).  I think of the teenagers that we were and the women we have become and I am so happy that we are still in touch.

These flecks of ink on envelopes have the power to move me before I've even looked at the contents and I know I'm not the only one.  We end as we begin with Aunty Janet; it is her funeral and amongst the flowers is a piece of writing that I will never forget: a square of paper decorated with flowers that reads "Your cards were always first."


Like my writing?  You might want to buy the books:

Saturday, 12 December 2015

What every woman wants for Christmas

Darling, don't buy me a Dyson
When you're out Christmas shopping this year
There's something else I've got my eyes on
But it seems that my hints are not clear

Sweetie, do not buy me saucepans
I don't care how special they are
And I would think twice, if you think it is nice
To buy anything that's "for the car"

Lover, do not buy me lingerie
That is tacky, or lacking in taste
Yes to knickers of silk, or a similar ilk
But not with holes "strategically placed"

Wubsy, if you buy me weighing scales
You may find them wrapped round your head
I don't want to measure the impact of food pleasure
So I'd like something special instead

Something that is unique and fabulous
Something to take my breath away
Something that is killer, as my stocking filler
To give me the best Christmas Day

But don't expect me just to tell you
What I want, or to which shop you should go
If you want the surprise to light up in my eyes
I expect you to simply just know.