Go let it out

Well it would appear that returning to writing has opened the floodgates so let's ride that wave!

Alongside an absolute rush of inspiration that has me reaching for the notebook, something that's surprising is the absolute lightness of hitting 'publish'. Turns out I could absolutely use a bit of writing for pleasure vs writing for an algorithm. Of course, I'm writing this for you, lovely reader, but with the knowledge that you're here for the same reason as me - to catch a breath and perhaps a break from the ceaseless dopamine thieves that want to grab our attention and wallets.

It began, strangely enough, with signing up to a business growth course. Something designed to get my online directory of helpful organisations 'The Common Good' fully out into the world and, maybe, 'monetise' it - I like to get paid as much as the next person but there was something about trying to create a commercial model for a platform designed to help people that made me feel just a little bit...ugh. I'm still a bit stuck if I'm honest but I know the answer will come. There's no rush.

What did need urgent attention was the realisation - during a workshop session designed around business - that I hadn't taken a holiday during the previous 12 months. Not only had I not been away, I had nothing in the diary until November...double ugh!

I looked at the wall planner I'd bought for the workshop and felt my heart drop. There, in glorious A2 was cube after cube of work - or the hope of more. I was aiming for more speaking gigs, more 'community meet ups', more busy-ness, more stuff. Each red dot a reason to invoice, each blue dot a trip up to 'Town'. The energy that had been there at the start of the course sank in my stomach like a stone. 

And it's weird, isn't it? How we can begin something so full of energy and fire only for something to stop us and make us go "huh?". But maybe there's a lesson in that. Maybe it's ok to change your mind. Or, as we like to say in business, to 'pivot' from one thing to another.

Start-ups 'pivot' all the time. The thought of this reminds me of netball - the 'one-foot-on-the-floor' move while you decide where to pass. It's a vision I aim to keep in mind every time I think of a tech bro - just a dude in skorts and a bib with GA writ large on the front and back. Strange imagery aside we accept it's entirely normal for a small organisation to switch ideas, emphasis, products - so what about us? Can't we do the same too?

That moment of realisation provided fuel to an otherwise low-level fire (and made me book a weekend away with my husband). Probably something that's been there for a long time in amongst the vivid dreams that may or may not be influenced by progesterone. There since my body and mind got round to the idea of being fifty. In amongst the shifting sands of a family life that is changing from the clear line of parent:child to a house full of adults that must find a way to rub along with each other. There are times they still need you for sure, but you can't just waft about waiting to be wanted. 

The family dynamic is a topic that is coming under increasing scrutiny amongst my friendship groups. We are swapping stories of children flying the nest and making plans on whether we keep it feathered to welcome them home. What do you do when it's just the two of you again? What do you do if it's you on your own? Should you start early to establish new patterns that will provide you with a ramp up while they ramp off? What if they need to come back or (whisper it) never leave?

We look to those older than us with kids in their mid- to late- twenties. Those who have found their nests with too much echo to bear. They leave our village in waves, three or four houses at a time. Our former babysitters now building independent lives of their own. Their parents moving to places just a train ride away from their adult children rather than being stuck out in the sticks where they'd be less inclined to visit.

Others buy camper vans and spirit themselves away for weekends while their brood soak up university, they now have their own tales to tell and are not just waiting for news. Some are welcoming grandchildren and, others, as in our case, are taking pride in seeing their children flourish at work and adjusting to early adulthood. And, of course, there's the obstacles to navigate, the upset and anger and misunderstanding and mistakes. Compared to my own upbringing there is a remarkable amount of patience and candour in my household but - if you know me - you'll know how acutely aware I am that when you can raise your kids outside of the stresses of poverty you have a bit more mental and emotional bandwidth.

And the best part of it all is having people to share this with who don't live in your house. It's why I was pleased to share a room on a recent girls trip away. Whereas our solo sleepers had the blessing of peace and quiet and no-risk of another person snoring, my friend and I got an extra hour at the end of each night to talk frankly about what was on our minds. As she is a mother of two older boys I picked her brains endlessly on her experiences and knew I could share mine without fear of shock or judgement. A post I wrote about my son when he was four doesn't even offer the slightest hint of what it is to have an adult man as a child - this post is not the place to write about it but I will aim to do it justice soon.

As a group - and in that room - on our WhatsApp group, and the other ones that we're part of with our wider groups of friends, we absolutely have the chance to let it all out. When I speak to friends who are dads, there seems to be mostly a shrug of the shoulders or a "FML" expression. A "Christ it's a pain in the arse" or a sigh. The same struggles are there for sure but who are they (and do they need to?) letting it out to? It takes for my husband and I to get out of the house to properly talk and more often than not I'm the one in the minutiae - getting caught up in how the children are feeling and whether or not the decisions they make or things that they do are as clear cut as they appear. It's in those conversations that I get a good reminder that sometimes I don't need to tie myself up in knots about everyone else - maybe I should just concentrate on what it is that I want rather than trying to predict (or worse) control what comes next. 

And this brings us back to that workshop and back to how looking at that calendar brought me back to the blog. I came to realise that so much of what I was doing was aiming to satisfy the needs of others. The groups I thought I had to be part of. The content I thought I had to create. The style I thought I had to communicate in. If you open LinkedIn and it makes you go 'ugh' or you open your email and there's yet another daily update from someone you suspect is a shyster who is offering you the world if you'd only sign up to their content generation course then why on earth are you killing yourself trying to play the same game? If it doesn't feel right, deep down, then it's not right. And you don't have to get all angry (done that) or try hard (done that) or bend over backwards for someone that's sending your BS detector into overdrive or trampling your boundaries (done that too!). Sure we all have to do things sometimes we don't like but, in common with lots of my friends who are now at the fifty-mark, we're tired of doing it. Knackered in fact. If we've got this far, and survived - and I don't say that lightly given the losses we've collectively suffered - then we need to be able to stand up for ourselves. Which, for me, begins with letting it out.

If you like this, or can relate to this, please give it a share with the people you feel you're able to 'go let it out' with. I'd love to know there are more groups of awesome women supporting one another. 

Love

Toni xx (here's a pic of me letting it ALL out at a gig I did - thanks to the phenomenal woman who booked me and trusted me :))

Soundtrack: Go Let it Out by Oasis. If you bear with me a bit I'll be sharing a Spotify playlist for the blog very soon!