So Now What?

For the musically-minded amongst you, you'll recognise the title of this post as something that Madonna posited to a lover in 'Justify My Love' which is - in my book - one of the sexiest pieces of work in her canon. But, fear not, I'm not about to invite you to do anything that will get you arrested or in trouble with your other half. Rather, I'm going to invite you back into the bosom of Reasons to be Cheerful which has been dormant for - wait for it - six years.

It's been six years since I last posted on here. A wistful piece written about my then 9-year-old son who is now a strapping 17-year-old man who I absolutely could not carry up the stairs in the way that my poem spoke of. Six years during which my daughter has gone out into the world of work and six years during which we faced Covid, said goodbye to my mother, lost friends too early and found fractures in family ties.

Six years is a long time. I leapt off the blog on the cusp of my mid-forties and now find myself at fifty, wondering, as many of us do, "what's next"?.

I mean, fifty is an actual age, right? Significant. A moment. It was one that I marked with a fuck-off party in our village hall where I went wild in indie-disco style. I'm not sure I have ever been happier than the moment when me, my husband, and our kids were throwing ourselves around on the dancefloor, accompanied by their friends and our friends. When you realise that your kids' generation has adopted 'your' music, from Oasis through to Robert Miles via The Shamen and The Jam, you achieve the kind of coming together that just doesn't happen in any other way.

The leaping around became a leaping off point. I had reached the pinnacle that is fifty and then....what? What then? What does the Book of Life say you're 'supposed' to do? 

Thing is, for all the unusual things I've done, I've followed a pretty standard life arc:

• Bought house with boyfriend - check
• Got married in mid-twenties - check
• Two children born two years apart - check

And I've got to tell you this is 100% what I wanted. For all of the wild times as a teenager, the corporate career chasing and pivot into writing, performing and presenting, my god did I just want to have a secure, stable and 'normal' homelife. Still do. 

And now I'm in a position where it feels like half my emails are about pension planning. Half the ads I get fed are about magnesium supplements and the importance of bone strengthening. Half of my conversations with friends are about HRT. These are all relevant and important things because, as women, mothers, partners, friends, we're all thinking deeply about what's next and how we're going to - if not thrive - cope. 

Whether it's grandchildren on the horizon or grinding out the last few years at work. Clearing a space for ourselves or clearing out the loft so the kids don't have to do it. We are fantasising and forecasting, keeping up and catastrophising, wishing and wondering. Is there only 'The Now'? Or should we be purposely building a framework for 'What's Next'?.

In conversations with others, and in trying to listen to myself, I kept finding myself called back to writing and to this blog. It's where I carved out my 'what's next' after corporate. Where I connected with others and created the kernel of my work as a speaker and writer. Where I didn't have to be 'professional and polished'. Just myself.

So if, like me, you're wondering "What's Next", I'm inviting you to come back to the blog, hang out and see if we can't find some more Reasons to be Cheerful as we face in to our fifties. And if you like it, tell a friend - god knows we could all use one!

Love

Toni xx

Soundtrack: Justify My Love - Madonna