Let's Hear it for the Boy

 Well, it's all kicked off a bit on LinkedIn, hasn't it?

For those of you not on LinkedIn, the topic du jour that's causing people to lose their minds is the algorithm potentially (or definitely depending on who you listen to) prioritising male voices. So much so, that women have taken to changing their names from Lucy to Luke or the gender marker in their 'about' section from Lady to LadsLadsLads.

Like any social media platform, LinkedIn can be a pretty seductive place (and not in a sexy way - although I see plenty of posts where men are being called to account for treating the platform as a dating app); one where you get drawn into either an echo chamber where you're lauded in a way that would not happen at home, or you find yourself being OUTRAGED by people and articles that - whilst more refined than tabloid clickbait - certainly exist for the same reason.

Anyhow, this isn't going to be an examination of whether women's voices are being purposely silenced by nefarious forces or just not heard because we're less self-absorbed / proactive / provocative than men. There's plenty of others who are far more invested and educated in that topic. Rather, it's given me the opportunity to visit something that's on the mind of lots of parents of teenage boys - myself included - what their son's experience is of becoming a man.

In LinkedIn land, and particularly in DEI spaces where I often find myself, there's a sense that being a 'man's man' or a 'bloke' or someone who wants to provide for their family is regressive. Perhaps even a bit distasteful. I hear "Men need to step aside" "Women don't need 'looking after'" "The TV show Adolescence is a documentary that must be shown in schools....". And you'd better watch yourself if you're a woman who says publicly she'd be happy to stay at home while her husband's at work - controversial! 

Now the narratives we see are heavily influenced by our own browsing habits, connections and confirmation bias and as a result are incredibly one-sided. And I've noticed that what I read and hear in the corporate space is often far removed from what I see and hear in the infinitely more nuanced and varied outside world where my friends and family extends beyond 'professionals' and into a more representative group that includes men who are board directors, long-term unemployed, scientists, fork-lift drivers, accountants, window fitters and creatives. And teenage boys. And there's nothing like being in the presence of teenage boys to tell you what their life is like.

Happily for me, my 17 y/o is (relatively) happy to have a conversation. And definitely open to a lift back from a party which often provides me with more laughs than I can get at a comedy gig. Once he learns to drive I'm going to know a lot less for sure but what I have learned so far is that alongside all of our worries about the various bogeymen online who we'd all like to blame for collectively damaging our sons and daughters alike, we need to pay attention to what's going on at home.  

And what is going on at home? I know I speak from a place of privilege and good fortune (or, as one of my friends calls it - "Absolute Vanilla"). I am 25 yrs married and our son has grown up alongside his older sister in seeing a mum whose wings are not clipped and a dad that is around thanks to the 'joy' that is working from home. He speaks football with the fluency of a perfect pundit and can share that with his dad in a way that I can only hope to match with my knowledge of music which is a shared pursuit on those car journeys. With two forthright women in the house he also has to carve out a way in which to operate as a man amongst a monsoon of hormones whether he likes it or not.

Like all families, we experienced and were harmed by the absolute bin fire that was COVID but in an area where you could go for a walk without the neighbours all fucking spying on you and reporting you to someone with a clipboard. We weren't trapped in a flat. But it wasn't all board games and bread-making - while BoJo was having private parties, my mother died and the rules meant instead of visiting my disabled brother to tell him that the most important person in his world was gone, I had to explain it over TEAMS.... Through that period our son saw first hand that the man with the top job was distinctly lacking in moral fibre in a way that rode roughshod over some of the most vulnerable people in society. 

And when I look at it like that, I see our son's life has been coloured by men at all levels doing bad things. And yes, we have talked about Andrew Tate around the dinner table but let's not pretend that's the only type of 'role model' boys pay attention to and see. And let's not pretend that our boys think that our opinion is 'the law'. I read a great piece that said we need to ask our kids what they think and then just listen. It's the opposite of the tack that was taken at school where they had to participate in sessions which essentially told the boys that anything men like Tate or Yaxely-Lennon (for that is his name ;) ) had to say was wrong. No room to listen, no room to talk, no room to respectfully disagree or participate in debate. Boys should be told and not heard.

But listening is where we get to hear the interesting stuff. What's landing. What's appealing. What we can counter and what, perhaps, we need to make room for. Who is saying to boys that it's normal to want to look after your family? Or normal to aspire to have a comfortable lifestyle? Or normal to want to leap around at football like a lunatic? Or normal (if not desirable) to get caught up in trouble and learn from it?  If we know these things (and we know how the topic is being handled at school) we can have a conversation at home about how you can get what you want in a way that is ethical, doable and doesn't look down on aspirations that a lot of young people (despite what half of online media will tell you) actually have?

And what is striking is that a lot of the negative narrative about boys disregards and dismisses us as parents and families too. What are we telling our boys about the men in their lives that they love, look up to, respect or admire? Are they 'wrong' too? No. 

In speaking with friends who teach in primary schools, they tell me how when you ask very young children - both boys and girls - what they want when they 'grow up', they will draw pictures of a family and a home. Then, once they're proper into the capitalist machine that we can pretend we don't live in, they start adding 'stuff'. The cars, swimming pools, pool tables, ponies. There's a reason Argos brought their catalogues back you know.... The children are showing us they'd like a family and a nice lifestyle and how do we tell them to go about getting it? We don't! 

School becomes a sausage machine for university. PSHE lessons focus on consent and drugs and sexually transmitted diseases. Those tricky topics are important and have led to challenging conversations and the knowledge that - as much as you might not like to think it's happening - there is still plenty of teenage sex and pregnancies, drinking and drugs, and it's all going on right on your doorstep. Fret about toxic influencers all you like but I'd be worrying more about the kid on the moped that's selling ket and weed... 

But how about the good stuff? Where is the optimistic stuff? We've not once had a report of conversations about how you might build a life with a partner or friends. How you might share resources in those early days or think laterally on how to take that first step towards a house or a car. So what do we do? Send an email to the school? I think if we ourselves have managed to worked it out then it is incumbent on us to help our children find their way. Parenting isn't passive - yet the narratives we hear thanks to 'smart' phones can make us feel like we've not got much influence at all.

As mum to a son I've seen an entire generation of boys being characterised in the press as 'wrong' and 'at risk'. But what the media paints isn't the whole picture - it never is. My personal experience is that these boys are interesting and funny and vibrant and wanting to make their mark on the world in a confident and positive way - even if they don't feel confident or positive yet. They want to know about their family history and the men who have gone before. How their dads and uncles and grandads and stepdads make / made money and how they, in turn, might earn a living. They're interested in what their mums do too but - much as I hope my son loves and respects me - he absolutely doesn't want to be me!. 

They also want to be heard. The boys who have lost their mums, experienced family break-up, had a hard time at home / school, or their heart broken or been picked on or ripped off. Instead of beginning from a point where we think they are misguided or toxic or wrong, we need to provide the space and conditions (apparently side-by-side in the car / on a walk is best!) to hear what they have to say and listen without jumping to the worst possible outcome or judgement. The way we feel, characterise and talk about our boys and young men rubs off so how about - in the spirit of this blog - we do it in a way that's a bit more optimistic and, frankly, cheerful!

Soundtrack: Let's Hear it for the Boy - Deneice Willliams. Now added to the full updated Reasons to be Cheerful Playlist! Listen here